Furry in an Omegaverse Isekai @tormeh@qoto.org

Juice is just fruit blood. Somehow, we're all cool with it

I keep a cyanide capsule in a fake molar in case the line is too long anywhere I go

Irritable Bowel Syndrome sounds like one of those diseases like Hysteria, where the doctor doesn't know what's wrong with you, but is just tired of dealing with it.

You're bowels, they're uh....Irritable.

[first day as a cake decorator]

*puts throw pillow on a cake

When you are trying to learn about the programming language APL

I exasperated a man in Reno just to watch him sigh.

Sorry I’m late, but it’s truly a miracle that any of us exist. Anyway, I’m not coming

In tech we use the term "dogfooding" to refer to eating your own software before throwing up and then chasing your tail / licking yourself 👍🏻

I love this new diet. A sensible breakfast. A sensible lunch. A sensible dinner. And up to 30 sensible snacks until you fall asleep.

#OldMemesNeverDie
IG celeb: #/nofilter
The cat in the background:

I don't know if you're half empty or half full of shit.

Fundamentalists say, “only god can judge me, but I can judge you!”

why is it legal to boil chicken

little kid was telling me he hates dreaming because "real life is hard enough thanks why should we have to deal with some weird creepy otherworld in our sleep" & then he suddenly, sharply, looked at me and whispered "wait, aren't you one of my nighttime people?" and now I can't get warm

I'm not changing any of my plans until I hear what the toad wants

Okay, fine. SOME diggity.

Go through life as if you are living in a perpetual nightmare. Scream your way around the clock.

Hello children, I'll be your substitute kindergarten teacher today. Your regular teacher said you like Alice In Wonderland, so I've brought you a little video treat: a documentary about how prolonged mercury exposure destroyed the minds of workers in the Victorian hat industry.

Imagine how useless it would be to have a guide cat. They'd guide you to their food bowl then back to bed.