Furry in an Omegaverse Isekai @tormeh@qoto.org

@princesaballena

Fam'ly tree o' knotty pine
Here's a graft and there's a spline
Meshing root like twisted vine
Branches curl and trunks entwine
When we sit 'neath knotty pine
Naughty cousin please be mine

Don't knock 1st cousin marriages - you wouldn't be here without them!

- my mom, confirming my worst fears

🥪

Ahhhh welcome back to Germany! 🕺

An earlier Karlsruhe - Köln ICE (ICE 106) was cancelled. The Karlsruhe - Berlin ICE I’m on (ICE 72) has 3 carriages fewer than normal due to some fault… and is now so overcrowded they’ve threatened to call the police

And currently we can’t leave

Yes, it's true. I sell cigarettes to children. But for each packet of cigarettes I sell, I also give away a nicotine patch to an elderly smoker.

So you see, I'm working my way towards 'cigarette zero.' Give me more time.

Classic gamebook

I am amused by how incredibly specifically this dates when I wrote it (cc @janellecshane )

Made a PB&J burger. Gherkins, lettuce, tomato, cheese and a spoonful each of peanut butter and strawberry jam. Cheesy fries on the side. So, so good. 🤤

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you're just some guy

I haven't left the apartment in three days. Would you like to see the sculpture I have made out of toaster crumbs? She's a reclining nude.

In solidarity with the Writers Guild of America in their fight with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, until a fair deal is struck my posts will be 20% less funny.

If you’re stuck in a one-horse town, steal the horse and ride out of there. They’ll never catch you.

Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate, so it's unlikely they had a favourite letter.

bless the folks who are too pretty and good looking to do porn but do it anyway

finally! my Mastodon followers outnumber the voices in my head

@xinicit
i'll give you my sex toy when you pry it from my cold, dead ass

If they ban sex toys, I’m gonna become a billionaire by inventing the ribbed potato chip tube.

cashier: is there anything else?

me: *looking around despondently* I really fucking hope so

I haven't trusted anyone since I found out Rhode Island isn't an island.