#BingeEatingDisorder

I have ADHD and Autism so my brain's reward mechanism is fundamentally broken.
I spent 30+ years dealing with undiagnosed gender dysphoria and eating things that were bad for me but tasted so good was my escape. I've got the obesity to prove it.
Food was a reliable way for me to get a boost, to feel good. But Wegovy took that away from me and it made me mad at first.
I didn't even know I had an eating disorder until Wegovy cured it. Suddenly, my primary dopamine source just wasn't hitting like it used to and it felt weird and wrong.
Even after I started to transition, food was still my primary way to get a boost. It's actually embarrassing how often I think about food and the effect it has on me.
But then I was prescribed Wegovy because I was prediabetic. And it turned off the switch.
It was like a magic trick.
Insurance covered it for $25 / month.
And for nine months, food was no longer my illicit lover.
I lost 40 pounds like it was nothing.
Then my insurance stopped covering it.
It would be $1,600 / month.
So I stopped taking it. I had to.
Now I'm on Vyvanse which is for ADHD but, at higher doses, also can help with binge eating disorder. I'm not at the target dose yet.
I've gained back all of the weight I lost.
The "food noise" thoughts aren't as intense, but once I start eating, it is hard to stop. Just thinking about eating can get me going so I try not to.
I mean, I had a prescription medication that fixed it, that completely eliminated the problem.
Cured it.
But now I can't have it because insurance changed its fucking mind about covering it.
Now their guidelines say that under no circumstances other than a full-blown diabetes diagnosis will they cover any of the GLP-1 drugs. And even when they do, they will only cover the ones explicitly approved for diabetes: Ozympic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro.
It just doesn't seem right. It stopped the problem that is pushing me toward diabetes but I can't have it until I already have diabetes.
I hate this about myself.
I've accepted that I'm bisexual, that I'm transgender, that I have ADHD, that I'm on the autism spectrum.
But this having a binge eating disorder still feels like a personal failing, a moral failing, like I should have done something differently, like it is my fault.
I hate it about myself. I hate that I have the dumbeset eating disorder. I tell myself, "Just stop eating, idiot" but it's not that easy. I wish it was. It should be. It isn't. Why isn't it that easy?
This is a fucking addiction and that's stupid. Addicted to food? Right. Aren't we all addicted to food because if we don't eat, we die? Duh.
It's so dumb. But here it is.

#BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorder

*BIG SIGH* I've had a relapse.

I haven't done a great deal of writing this week because I've been more focused on bingeing, and I'm talking *every single day*, which is significant in terms of relapses and generally very shitty.

And when I do go to write, my eating disorder and this week's trigger is the only subject on my mind. But would it be really annoying and boring if I published yet more words on this?

#EatingDisorderRecovery #BingeEatingDisorder

Hi, is anyone free for a chat/talk down about binging? Because I've been anxious for *hours* and I want to reach out, but cannot bear the truisms or anyone being well-meaning or condescending rn.

#BingeEatingDisorder

I think I need to go back to eating disorder treatment, but not sure if anything that’s covered fits my needs. Which is not group based (may be able to handle some virtual groups). Groups normally don’t work for me. I have suspected autism, lots of sensory issues, massive anxiety and panic attacks in groups, learning disabled- don’t process well in groups. I’m worried I need more help than the one place I know of can give. #BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorder

I'm in the middle of a particularly distracting binge-urge. It's so distracting I've looked through every single menu on Deliveroo and UberEats about 5 times. It's so distracting I haven't actually done any work for hours. It's so distracting I haven't eaten since this morning, because my only focus is on binging; eating isn't enough. It's so distracting I might have to give in, it feels like my only option is to give in.

#bingeeatingdisorder

So yes, I'm a cute weirdo who has a dumpling tattoo. A cute weirdo who right now has a purpose and a will and a little bit of help to live how I truly want to live.

#BingeEatingDisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery

That's obviously a big job for one little dumpling, but even now, I'm looking at its happy, trouble-free face and feeling positive about what and how I'm going to eat tomorrow.

There is a danger I might grow to resent it, as I often resent food and eating and my recovery. However, I often resent all of them for trapping me, for preventing me from living, and this dumpling just screams life to me right now.

#BingeEatingDisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery

I often need to be reminded that food can be joyful. That eating can be positive, jubilant, pleasurable, social, and *fun*.

And that's because, having an eating disorder, it is often none of those things. It's often isolating, desperate, numbing, anxious, and wretched. I wrote about what it can be like here: https://robyneatseverything.wordpress.com/2023/05/22/whats-in-a-name-pt-2/

This little dumpling is going to help remind me what eating *can* be like.

#BingeEatingDisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery