#boundaries

In this post I am going to try and explain some aspects of how I conceptualize #kink.

For this to be effective, I want to also explain some terms I use, and how I use them. A shared dictionary is a fundamental piece of successful communication of nuance.

~~Intimacy is a form of closeness at a deep level. Like two onions touching each other, maybe in a box vs the unpeeled cores of two onions cuddling up together. Maybe not the best analogy. But it's better than imagining fitting both your eyeballs into the same socket (What is wrong with me?)~~

#Intimacy is a form of closeness. To get a better idea of what I mean, here's a post I wrote recently to clarify what I mean when I refer to intimacy.

Intimacy explained in terms of vulnerability: https://lgbtqia.space/@h3mmy/114721556022286295

Sensual is used to describe certain experiences. A quick trip to the pedantry corner says that technically all our experiences are sensual because we're using our senses. When I say sensual, I mean actively engaging the senses with intention. Really savoring the experience. Like standing atop a hill feeling the wind gently stroking your skin, observing how your skin reacts, and the different streaks of tingles and nociception. Really savoring the experience of it. Appreciating the subtle notes of whispers in the wind. Hints of wildflowers mixed with soil.

One can argue that there is a degree of intimacy involved in sensuality, and that makes sense. I'm loosing my guard to appreciate the breeze, I'm adjusting my hearing to attune to the breath of nature, leaving myself open and exposed to nature and trusting that the experience will be worthwhile. It's not sexual, it's not romantic, it's just sensual.

#Erotic is another term, literally based on a god of lust, passion, desire and mischief. The crux of this is desire, but a consuming sort. Like I'm dying of thirst in a desert, happening upon an oasis, stumbling in my frenzy to reach the water, passionately reuniting it with my body, savoring the echoes of sweet relief down to my bone. This is just an illustrative example. I want to make a point to distinguish erotic from the sexual and the sensual as they are all different things. Each can have different degrees of intimacy dynamics. Intimacy is independent, yet a fundamental aspect

My previous example for #sensual is actually a little erotic. I'm immersed in it to a degree of near spiritual fulfillment. The erotic is often sensual, but the sensual is not always erotic. The erotic is often profoundly intimate as well.

Okay, now that I've gone through some of the tricky terms, I am going to start illustrating some concepts around "non-sexual" kink. Thanks to @kasdeya for her really helpful line of questioning that aided me in figuring out what pieces might be good to address first.

Picking one snippet from https://cryptid.cafe/objects/68cbcc28-db9f-4601-a574-bd44358f45e5

> I think the main thing that I’m having trouble understanding is the concept of nonsexual kink. it sounds like this might be a kind of playful exploration of things like physical sensations (like pain) or of being {restrained or made helpless} for its own sake. so I’m guessing that there isn’t necessarily any sexual arousal involved in nonsexual kink. I would be interested to know if the presence of sexual arousal in a kink scene would make it count as sexual (rather than nonsexual) kink for you or if it’s only the presence of sexual activity that would put it into that category. and also (this may be too personal of a question) how you would feel knowing that a kink partner was sexually aroused during a scene with you. I guess I wonder if that might be uncomfortable to know, in the same way that it might be during a non-kink-related activity. I think that would help me understand where the borders are between sexual and nonsexual kink

@kasdeya is spot on with the playful exploration. Kink is a type of play. Humans love to play, it's one of the fundamental ways we learn, bond, and explore. If I'm an arbitrary rope bottom: Maybe I want to be tied up for the sensory experience, and maybe I want to be locked and restrained like the suffocating system we're trapped in, and once the bonds are undone, I can emerge with fewer restraints to my potential in the world. In that sense it takes on a deeper layer of vulnerability and trust. A ritual to help harmonize the mind, body, and rich inner world.

Impact, fire, electro, sensory, needle, knife, wax, latex, etc. These are all types of play. Sexual component not required. What if we just wanted to play some games? Bound hands holding a candle full to the brim. Is a light feather enough to cause a spillage? What about a wartenberg wheel? How about a game of chess? My moves will be executed by my voice controlled drone whose arms are tied to its chest like T-Rex arms. These scenes lack sexual components altogether, but I imagine people would still call it kink, right?

Now, sexual components can be added easily. Feathers can be run over erogenous zones, vibrators too. Who knows what kind of chipset is inserted in the drone? Maybe I left something in the debug port by mistake.

I hope that helps illustrate that there is a distinction between sexual and non-sexual kink. Let's try exploring some #boundaries.

You asked if the presence of sexual arousal changes the category. I would say it depends. If I'm enjoying a casual tabletop game in public with a friend or two, and they get sexually aroused, are we now playing a sexy board game? Arousal also disregards intention and desire which are also important elements. I think perspective also matters. It could be a sexy game of whatever we're playing for the person who is aroused and full of desire. And for clueless me, it's just a fun activity time with pals. If I am also aware of what's going on, then it could change what we label it.

For kink scenes, I try to establish some baseline boundaries. One of my default ones is that I won't do sexual play, but I might be open to renegotiating at a later point. This communicates that I do not have any sexual intention at the time, and I expect that the other parties will not engage me in any sexual play without talking about it first.

This helps segue into answering the next part of the question about what if the other party is sexually aroused. This by itself is not bothersome to me. Kink is intimate. If I'm binding someone in rope, I'm increasing their vulnerability and caretaking it throughout. I'm adjusting my touch based on their preferences and what makes sense to me from an artistic perspective. Soft touch, light touch, deep touch, and most people want more so I'll adjust my techniques to increase the touch while tying and untying. For some, I'll adjust the pull throughs to create little whips to add a zing for contrast. I'm tying things in and around sensitive parts, carefully, mindfully, tenderly, but not sexually, and not even erotically unless we've discussed it beforehand.

Given this intimate context, the closeness, and sensual aspects, it can be arousing for a lot of people. Just like if they're getting a massage. Relaxing into touch and sensation while vulnerable. They're not being weird about it, they're not being creepy, they're maintaining the negotiated boundaries and not dragging any sexual intent or context into the scene. I've had some rope bottoms tell me when an area is _too_ arousing or if they interpret touch in a certain area as sexual, and I highly appreciate that so I can avoid those triggers. Like the inner thigh. For some people it's sexual, for some people it's sensual. If it's sexual for someone and I need to get rope through there I can do it without actually touching with any part of my body, or I can have the bottom do it if practical. Respecting that sexual boundary. This sort of dynamic and communication applies across all types of kink scenes, I'm just using rope as my example because it's usually fresh in my brain.

So if something like a humiliation scene with impact and wax is sexual for someone, this should be part of the negotiations. I don't do sexual scenes by default and this filters out play partners for whom kink is always sexual because if there's no play we can do that is non-sexual then we clearly aren't compatible. Because I'm at events a lot, people who are curious can watch, and they'll better be able to see the dynamic. Sometimes this alone helps them reframe the elements involved and they can interpret kink in separate sexual and non-sexual dimensions. I have a couple of play partners for which this was the route, and they like that the scenes with me helped them broaden their perspective on kink knowing that it doesn't have to be centered around sexual charge.

I'm getting close to the character limit now, which maybe makes this my longest post. Hopefully people are able to read it and engage in some discussions that will help me figure out how to structure my next post.

Please note that this conceptualization is merely one perspective and I'm certainly not an authority of any kind (unless that's what we negotiated)

#Discussion #Thoughts #BDSM #AsexualKink