#poly

Here’s a little update on my ridiculous #poly thruple situation.

Despite the new agreement thrashed out as mentioned earlier in this thread, the blast radius of A & T’s ongoing chaos was not contained.

Mistakes continued to be made and on Thursday I was given the arse from my probationary new job, for insufficient engagement - the subtext being that my relationship drama was too intrusive and I was not excelling.

That was a final straw and I issued a wind-up order on the situation. Much drama ensued but I can’t afford to have relationship shit impact my career.

A arranged to go and tell T in person, but events got ahead of us and I was forced into doing it over WhatsApp myself.

Now, one of the things about text comms as opposed to a conversation is you can *scroll up* and review what’s been said in detail. After a fairly heated argument with T, I did just that. I scrolled up.

And I started recognising some of his tactics.

Gaslighting, blame shifting, projection.

We’ve been fucking played by a manipulator. He’s been deliberately running a divide and conquer campaign. He’s spotted weaknesses in both of us and exploited them.

He’s needled my anxiety repeatedly, as a way of inciting conflict between myself and A. He’s encouraged and stoked A’s justifiable dislike of my drinking habits to likewise stoke conflict (and has literally been the guy who said to me “oh you stay at the pub a bit longer, you deserve to relax”). He’s lovebombed the living shit out of her, and he’s deliberately bought her a gift that reminded of a previous traumatic conflict. And then laughed it off. He’s definitely exploited her ADHD impulsivity and her Oppositional Defiance.

He’s made himself a fixture in our weekly trivia nights, despite confessing to hate it and blaming my competitiveness for making him anxious, driving a wedge between me and A.

Every time I’ve needed a break and some space, he’s been the one pushing back against it, and he’s persuasive. He’s managed to talk me out of severe anxiety - thereby gaining trust - before mere hours later needling it again - stoking conflict.

We’ve got to breakup points where I’ve wanted to throw A out, and he’s talked it back down, before repeating the exact behaviour that led to the bustup in the first place. I have zero idea what he’s been pulling on A in private but I can’t imagine it being any less intense.

quick followup, I am pleased to report a very positive first few days for the New World Order.

- The muted chat channels give a nice way to keep in touch through the day without interrupting.
- The weekend was a superb, zero conflict block of quality time for me and Ashley, and she was still able to use breaks and downtime to chat with T, without causing strife between us.
- The new calendar is working. Though I did have to remind that my phone screen *might* be visible ocasionally in professional situations, therefore events should be named accordingly.
- A & T are having a block of quality time at my place today, so it was good to have space to discuss some boundaries yesterday - without breaching privacy. Example: "my studio is my safe space, please don't hang out in there for now", things like that. I literally do not care what they want to do today, I just don't want to find out something triggering later, because that would be a landmine.

Overall, I'm optimistic about everything but remain cautious and very conscious that we will run into surprises over the next while.

Also, the latest episiode of Boonta Vista was brilliantly scathing about #poly nonsense on my commute this morning. Good to stay grounded I think.

#poly

Our first followup is in just under one week. We have a soft launch happening now to let everyone calm the fuck down, get used to the new world order and consider further steps. Small mistakes this week will lead to no major consequences beyond small, collaborative changes to the protocols, which include:

- Proper shared calendar, with considerations around privacy and flexibility. I have suggested titling it “Triple Advisor”
- Group chat notifications muted, especially our NSFW channel. Only check channels when it is appropriate to do so
- Inter-party messaging defaults to no-notifications channels, so that party A is not intruding on quality time between B&C and vice versa.
- Being careful with the words “we” and “us” because they could mean the nesting couple, the outer couple or all three depending on context and ambiguity. There has been conflict and misunderstanding on this issue before.
- Plenty of notice for schedule changes (super important for idiot autistic boy over here, because he cannot cope at all with schedule changes)
- Always try to assume positive intent, especially when something is ambiguous (a joke is not always a dagger between the ribs, folks)
- Everyone has the right to opt-out of a situation without being judged for it
- Longer blocks of personal and couple time for everyone
- lots of flexibility and space for when there is a lack of spoons, not only for the “officially disabled” one but for everyone. Nobody is obliged to do anything when they are strung out and close to limits except rest and look after themselves. And if one *is* in that situation, it doesn’t just default to “other couple” time. The spoon-deficient person must be given space, consideration and safety.
- robust protection around shared resources, like car, home, master bedroom, en-suite and so on, so that personal space, privacy and safety remain pristine. I am personally providing Uber credit for times when using the car will be contentious, for example
- robust, protected ability to break any and all comms rules in an actual emergency, and a way to quickly provide support (for which I will be provisioning an “emergency fund” debit card account)

Big mistakes in this coming week - especially repeat mistakes of the kind we have already highlighted - might well lead to firings, and everyone on the team has been made aware of that. We would all rather that didn’t happen if possible but a nuclear option and escape route has to be considered.

I am now accepting expressions of interest to act as your polycule’s Agile Coach. Rates available on request.