🔸 The Profane story of India’s Rafale Deal.🔸

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India is in dire need of Jets. Out of the mandated 42 squadrons, the Indian Air Force (IAF) effectively has only 29. It is still making do with Mig-21s and Jaguars. Yes the same Jets that have been resigned to flight schools and museums. India doesn’t really spend much on defence. (But India shot down a Pakistani F-16 with a Modernised Mig-21, so atleast the pilots are in good shape.)

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The Rafale Deal with Dassault Aviation, was an effort to replenish the IAF’s depleting Inventory. But this deal did not happen in one set of talks, but two.

▪️ Round 1 2013
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The first round of talks by Congress govt, was for 126 jets in 2012. This deal required Dassault to manufacture 108 Rafale in a Hindustan Aeronautics Limited (HAL) facility with Technology Transfer. The french didn’t like this. With a breath that stunk like foul cheese they said:

“Sacrebleu, Zis is Insaniteee, Je suis Desole, We khanot manufacture zis piece of art in your union riddled sweat shoppe. Mon Dieu. Take mee away fom zisss. ”

They said if they were to manufacture it at HAL, they would not give warranty.

This back and forth continued for sometime and three years passed. No deal, No jets. The cheese was in the curry, and people hated it.

▪️ Round 2 2016
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Realising that the IAF, is now dangerously underarmed, Narendra Modi, the current Prime Minister did the unthinkable.

He flew to France on a Sukhoi M-30, and landed onto a french chateau, where a grand orgy of French generals and Government officials was taking place. He barged inside and saw that the French were screwing each other, while eating rotten cheese and drinking wine. They barely noticed him.

Until. Narendra Modi unzipped .. and pulled something HUGE out.

There was pindrop silence in the room. You could hear a few wine glasses shattering and some blocks of cheese hitting the floor with a thud. “Mon Dieu” . They saw something. And they all wanted a piece of it. It looked big and sure to cause some pain, but they were up for it.

Out from his just freshly unzipped dossier was a new deal.

The new deal demanded only 36 French Manufactured Rafales with heavy customisations for India, delivery to start within 2 years, a weapons package and a performance logistics system.

It had a slew of offsets that mandated that 50% of the deal amount will have to be spent in India. It should be used to manufacture/purchase defence equipment, and be invested in Research at DRDO(India).

(The vehicle for this offset was a private partnership with Mukaesh Ambani’s Reliance Defence. It was called Dassault Reliance Aerospace Limited (DRAL). This entity arose after due legal process, tendering, bidding, market analysis etc.)

The french loved the deal and gave their approval by holding hands and having a weak synchronised tantric orgasm.

The Italian Rahul Gandhi saw photos of the event: Modi with naked french people and he burned with Jealousy. “So what if my shotgun is sawed off a little too much. Thats no reason to keep me out” he said. He vowed to take revenge for not being Invited and malign Modi with frivolous law suits.

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I will soon post about how the media tried to distort the financials of the deal.

Stay tuned and Boost if you liked it.

Hope the French users don't rile up a storm coz of my crass, unfunny humour.

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