Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

I’m sorry but uhhhh exactly why are you removing that tumour I put there?

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, reload and fire again. The moon must be stopped at all costs.

Your relationship might need some fine tuning when you start considering whether or not you can get away with murdering your spouse.

On a related note, my daughter's first words (after mama, dada) were "Kitty get down" 😹

📢 This ALL DAY LONG…

‘Kevin McCarthy just agreed to hold the entire US economy hostage to force cuts to Social Security and Medicare.
That’s what he’s agreeing to. Republicans are economic terrorists coming for seniors.
The media should report it as such’!

~ Brian Tyler Cohen, bird app

when my kids catch me sneaking to get snacky snacks

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

There’s one Monkee and two Beatles left. They should just do an album together. The Bonkees. Or better yet The Meatles. The Bonkles. The Meatlees.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

Celebrate January 6th by hiding ammunition around the house and letting the kids find them like Easter eggs

If you feel the need to say you're an alpha, we already know you're not.

men see this sign and still ask where the cereal is

You can tell a computer geek from an influencer by the way they pronounce “bios”.

[Jack Ryan]

CIA BOSS: who are you

JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan

BOSS: nice to meet you ryan

JACK: no it's

BOSS: everyone this is ryan

EVERYONE: hi ryan

RYAN: hi

I hope this is the year that we see "health insurance" companies outlawed and, in fact, condemned to burn in hell for all eternity.

Excited for when the Halloween yard skeletons trade in their Santa hats for Abe Lincoln stovepipes and George Washington hair

Maybe the year had a shitty you.

What’s even the point of wearing old-timey pajamas with a long night cap hanging over one shoulder if you aren’t holding a single candle on a brass plate?

Makes New Year’s resolution to be less anxious.
Worries about it.