Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

i think about fish being birds for crabs a lot.

Quoth the Raven:
"Nevermore."

Quoth Edgar Allan Poe:
"You say that every time you're hungover."

I hid under the bed for so long I never realised I was the monster.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA HAVE BROKEN INTO THE LABORATORY AND ARE MELTING THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN HEADS, OH NO.

Big Bird is a predator. His eyes are at the front of his skull, like all raptors. If he were prey, his eyes would be at the sides of his head, to give a better field of view to watch for predators. Like this.

Sorry I missed your call/text/email even though I have all notifications turned on, my phone is constantly in my hand and I’m always looking at it

In lieu of sleep, I've decided to travel to a small logging town & investigate a series of strange disappearances.

Genuinely surprised people aren't calling it twexit

I don't know if anyone else gets anxious about phone calls but a little tip I've learned is: if there is a phone call that I don't want to make, before I start dialing the number, I carefully hold the phone in my hand & toss it gently into a lake. I hope this advice helps others.

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

they’ll figure it out if they get hungry enough

I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I think what happens is that they cancel each other out.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Although I know it will still happen, so far, I have less concern about someone here keeping me in a pit in their basement or trying to make a skin suit out of me.

If he buys a social media app for $44 billion and makes it a safe place for Nazis and fascists, he's just not that into you.

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶
C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶
C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶

[Super Glue product development]

Executive: We need good packaging…
Gary from Creative: Should we make it look like eye drops?

*slow clap*

When life gives you gremlins, make gremlinade.

16 hours ago me: If I dump the clean laundry on the bed, I'll HAVE to fold it before I go to sleep

Me now: *sweeping clothes onto the floor* Wrong, you 16 hours ago bitch.

much like Darkside of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz, Nickelback's album Silver Side Up syncs up with any episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.