Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

ME: There's something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

I guess I can be described as an erotic novel that fell in the bath and is now wrinkled, bloated and hard to read.

My 5yo keeps loudly informing people we paid "𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙍𝙏𝙔 𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏 𝙃𝙐𝙉𝘿𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝘿𝙊𝙇𝙇𝘼𝙍𝙎 and 99 cents" for our Christmas tree.

We did not.

Turkey cereal anyone?

i think about fish being birds for crabs a lot.

Quoth the Raven:
"Nevermore."

Quoth Edgar Allan Poe:
"You say that every time you're hungover."

I hid under the bed for so long I never realised I was the monster.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA HAVE BROKEN INTO THE LABORATORY AND ARE MELTING THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN HEADS, OH NO.

Big Bird is a predator. His eyes are at the front of his skull, like all raptors. If he were prey, his eyes would be at the sides of his head, to give a better field of view to watch for predators. Like this.

Sorry I missed your call/text/email even though I have all notifications turned on, my phone is constantly in my hand and I’m always looking at it

In lieu of sleep, I've decided to travel to a small logging town & investigate a series of strange disappearances.

Genuinely surprised people aren't calling it twexit

I don't know if anyone else gets anxious about phone calls but a little tip I've learned is: if there is a phone call that I don't want to make, before I start dialing the number, I carefully hold the phone in my hand & toss it gently into a lake. I hope this advice helps others.

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

they’ll figure it out if they get hungry enough

I'm no Stephen Hawking, but I think what happens is that they cancel each other out.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Although I know it will still happen, so far, I have less concern about someone here keeping me in a pit in their basement or trying to make a skin suit out of me.

If he buys a social media app for $44 billion and makes it a safe place for Nazis and fascists, he's just not that into you.