Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

This is some evil shit (via The Daily Beast)

you’ve heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for the central intelligence agency

I like mastodon cuz it’s so boring I have time to read and do laundry and walk the cat and visit with a neighbor and do all my Christmas shopping and make dinner for 20 and fashion a ball gown out of used toilet paper rolls and have a fight with my invisible friend Gary and his wife Sheila and deliver toys to all the world’s children between toots.

I love you,

pours coffee slowly over head while holding intense eye contact with seagull perched on outside front step]

Kind of crazy how just doing one little thing has altered my entire health profile (stopped drinking a daily dose of arsenic)

keeping your enemies "close" isn't good enough. ask them out. live together. have children. attempt renovations

New cell mate: Listen up shitbird, top bunk is yours

Me:

NCM:

Me: k may I please get a boost

‘Sending our thoughts and prayers’ puts the empty in empathy.

Drink water. Eat vegetables. Be nice to animals. Exercise regularly. Explore nature. Find a small door under a tree. Open it. Take a look inside. Get pepper sprayed by a tiny elf. Learn a valuable lesson about knocking first.

The axolotl smiles because it knows the joy of murder

My friend just finished an Ironman and I just pulled a muscle falling off the couch after getting my foot stuck in my blanket

Call me a skeptic, but treating a cold with a laxative seems like a flawed plan for a number of reasons.

MRS. CLAUS: We've been married 120 years now. I'm thinking we should spice up--

SANTA: I ALREADY TOLD YOU, WE'RE NOT HAVING A THREESOME WITH THE KRAMPUS

"Look daddy," the little girl says excitedly, pointing at a blossoming grey cloud on the horizon. "Mushroom!”

"That's great, honey," says her dad, not looking up from his phone.

This is like the time I got a new label maker.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

@JoParkerBear But will it help me function at work by making me sleepy during the day

Me: I'm anxious and depressed

Psychiatrist: [with a straight face] here is some medicine that will make you fat and kill your sex drive