Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

I hold the revolving door for people.
Usually till the police arrive.

Nice spiral ham you have there. Be a shame if someone honey baked it.

How long should you date someone before you meet their spouse?

Oh, hey there!

Astronaut (stuck in a wormhole like Winnie the Pooh, his head 180 thousand light years from his butt): Oh, bother.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I’ve learned to be kind without rewinding.

42 years on this earth and I still can't open a paper milk carton without the end result looking like I'm some dairy-fiending goblinoid.

I’d love to spend less time hungry or tired, but those are my choices apparently.

💯

not a single unhinged psycho has threatened to kill me over here. neat

[40 years from now]
grandkid: hey grandpa tell, me again about the great twitter war of 2022!
me: haha okay, one more time. “so this billionaire nerd…”

(job interview)

HR: Best trait?

Me: Honesty.

HR: Worst?

Me: I'm a horrible driver.

HR: That’s fine. It’s a desk job, but honesty is always important.

Me: I killed your parking valet.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 28th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

Sorry I yelled "by Jove!" when I came.

When no one else will tell you the hard truths, Duolingo is there.

[first cowboy ever] Haha yaaaaay!

Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life…where you don’t regret transforming your greatest passion into a daily drudge for a paycheck.

This is some evil shit (via The Daily Beast)

you’ve heard of elf on the shelf, now get ready for the central intelligence agency