Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

I keep trying to compartmentalize, but then I remember that's how they built the titanic.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Now before I make this final cut on your vasectomy, I'm legally required to tell you that 1 in 25 times the penis will pop off and fly around the room going PHBHBHBHBHTH like a deflating balloon. So. You know. Fingers crossed.

I don’t know who needs to hear this. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know what your mother wants for Christmas. I don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. I think you should take me to the doctor because I’m having trouble remembering my name as well.

Hello police? This restaurant gave the slowest eater their food last

A man found a goose that was shaking with cold in Montana. As he got closer he realized, wrapped up in her wings, was a puppy she was shielding from the freezing cold. We have so much to learn from animals.(The goose & the puppy recovered & were adopted together
Life With Animals

I don’t think anyone should “wear the pants” in a relationship. Wearing pants is terrible. I take them off the second I get home.

Autocorrect changed “sad music” to “dad music” and now I’m listening to Pearl Jam and smoking marijuana.

So basically no change.

Is this Parson Brown?

🎶 last Christmas, I loaned you my car, but the very next day, you gave it away… this year, to get my revenge, I’m blowing up your Tesla 🎶

boss: are you planning to work today?

me: I already did

boss: no, you have to do it all day

me: what

*phone rings*

SANTA: Hello, dear.

MRS. CLAUS: Where are you?

SANTA: Delivering gifts in, uh, Rome.

MRS. CLAUS: Oh, really? Because the NORAD Santa tracker says you've been at a titty bar in New Jersey for 3 hours.

Everybody waiting around for me to clarify where I stand on the issues is gonna be real pleased with my neck tattoo.

Me: I would like to care, but equally I don’t give a fuck, so you see my dilemma

Boss: …

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.

Drank two cans of Monster Energy and started my car by screaming at it

I don't know who needs to hear this but you are important, you are loved, there is an opossum living in your attic which is why your socks keep going missing, you are valid & you matter.

me: Damn I lost my earring!
Hours later me: can’t wait to take off my bra - it’s itchy today!
Also me: ope - found my earring

So, you waited until the 13th day before Christmas to finish shopping for your true love?
Pull into any truck stop in America, there’s at least three methheads who can get you all the birds you need right now.

You’re welcome.