Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

In just a few short hours it will be completely legal to write, distribute, and profit from story about Dracula, Winnie the Pooh, and Sherlock teaming up to fight crime together. What a time to be alive!

If souls aren't real, then what did I sell to the Devil in order to get this fannypack?

If I was being sucked into a jet engine, I'd say something really fast to see if the blades on the turbines made my voice sound funny.

someone appears to have finally gotten their ducks in a row

In a world where so many of us are throwing stones, can we all just work together for once and aim them at baby new year? We’ve got to kill it before it mutates.

Whenever I go to Costco I enter a kind of fugue state.

What I'm saying is that I have a cold laminator that I bought ten years ago still new in package. Anyone interested?

Fitting room sign: One patron at a time

Me: one....tequila at a time

kid, please, i've got USB cables older than you

Han Solo with a whip? Yes, I will watch Indiana Jones with you.

I’m not drunk, I’m exploring an entirely new state of consciousness where balance is not required or even expected.

'It's so weird how much my kids talk to themselves'

-I whisper quietly to myself

Oh yes father in law, send more /hilarious/ Facebook posts into the group chat. We all love it *huge animating laugh emoji covering the whole screen*

Tetris is not as fun when it includes dishes and a drying rack.

I'd like to say something, but my mouth is full of popcorn kernels, so I shake my head and smile.

"No final words, then," says the warden.

He gives the signal to throw the switch on the electric chair.

My wife is my ride or die insofar as that one time she caught me riding her sister Brenda I knew straightaway I was gonna die.

every hat is a top hat. a bottom hat is a shoe

SPEECH THERAPIST: okay let’s start with the alphabet

SCOOBY DOO: ray ree ree ree ree ref ree

SPEECH THERAPIST: *into intercom* cancel all my appointments

I keep trying to compartmentalize, but then I remember that's how they built the titanic.