laid down to invite what I was struggling with in like my therapist recommended. started off with a ton a ton of fear, whole body shaking, jumping at outside noises. then suddenly I instead started getting ridiculously aroused and soaked my panties through before masturbating to a super strong orgasm.all while remembering the face of a rapist (friend's... maybe mine? who knows) I really want to beat to death

god I'm fucked up

there is so much anger in what I wrote on a piece of paper. so so much anger and rage and hate. and confusion whether what I'm experiencing is real. but I remember his face picture perfect, and his voice, and his hands, and my friend and I hated him so so so much and now I'm wrestling with if my hypersexuality and aggressiveness might be connected or.. I mean if I'm not making it up which I'm convinced I am (though I'm steadily losing that conviction)

I have never, ever felt hatred so strong. and it just sprang into being again, after years of not having to deal with it. writing and drawing and talking to my therapist is opening a pandora's box that I never knew existed and I'm on edge and jumpy and confused

I've always been very in tune with my body and my rational mind. so I think through the lenses of kinesthetic and rational thoughts (concepts are translated to movement sensations, body position, logic kind of). what I'm not used to is emotions crashing through like.. how do yall deal with these?? am I supposed to trust them?? I'm not usually driven by these and I feel out of control