it's 3AM. I can't sleep, and I'm thinking why. I don't know which is the root cause. I'm thinking because I can't sleep? Or I can't sleep because I'm thinking? Or maybe both?

Anyway, I think my current job offers a perfect opportunity to let me escape reality. Remote work, meet with different people from different place and they are so nice. I mean, the job opportunity itself is very, emm, I don't know how say, but it's a rare opportunity to me.

After getting a job, I can feel both my mental health and my life getting better. Although I spent a little bit too much in the first month, I got a decent monocular and dip my toe into digiscoping and bird watching, I got a Intel nuc as my first linux not running as a vm, today I figured out how to watch anime on it, a decent progress towards daily drive machine. Feels like I'm packing myself up and I'm about to start a new life, a life after almost two years of self doubting and frustration without getting any mental issues (at least not diagnosed). But this is the typical timing when you're too happy that you didn't mentally prepare for a bad thing.

although I try my best to escape from any family arguments, but I still need to live in a house, and I don't have one. So as you guessed, my parents again become the most contributions to my mental issues. I'm trying to make myself not care about them, so my mental health can be better, but it's petty hard to do. I mean, you live with someone every day and try not to care? I definitely can't.

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Writing at here, I actually don't what to say. Based on what I'm writing, the rational part of me has already run out of battery and died peacefully. I bet myself will be super embarrassing after wake up and find this piece of text. But f*ck it, it's for tomorrow me to worry.

Sometimes (especially now) I wonder, am I really don't have any issue with my mental health? Or is it just not get diagnosed? I don't know. I haven't figured out my medical insurance yet, so probably I won't worry about it in the next 6 months. Time will tell.

And... For now, I really need some sleep.