I’ve been wanting to write more. It’s been a long time I’ve strung together words that make me feel the release of what I truly want to say.
It’s exhausting. There is so much I would like to share but the silence seems greater than my energy to organise anything meaningful.
I’ve long held the idea that I’m autistic but it’s like nobody I talk to about it believes me because I hide a lot of things I’m affected by until I just can’t.
When I meltdown because of a sound, sight or texture of clothes on my skin, those that witness it chalk it up to anxiety. It’s invalidating. I don’t feel seen or heard.
My voice is extremely soft, a lot of the time words come out in whispers. All I knew was that I didn’t have the energy to assert my voice any louder so I could be heard properly. Speaking saps my energy unless it’s something I’m super interested in.
It’s the #actuallyautistic community on masto that made me realise I don’t need a dx. I know my mind and body better than anyone else. I know how I suffer with sensory overloads and an entire host of other things.
Even my psychiatrist told me it’s just my anxiety but since being on here I have an even better idea of how much medical gatekeeping goes on for adults with autism. I want to be seen and accepted. Thank you to all of you that have unknowingly helped me achieve that.
Even typing this now is draining, but there’s so much I want to share. I just don’t have the spoons. It’s to the point where I give up and withdraw most of my days.
#actuallyautistic