Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

Accused of going "goblin mode" simply because I gathered a horde and destroyed the king's precious stronghold.

My friends refuse to tell me their darkest fear. They say I'll write them down in some sort of "terror lexicon" Which of course I would but it hurts for them to think I would pen such a tome

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

you must squeeze only the highest quality brains to harvest smart water

I hate that I have the urge to explain my weight gain to everyone I run into that I haven't seen for a while when I don't feel the urge to explain other recent changes, like the blood red irises, the sigal branded into my forehead, and the overwhelming aura of rotting meat that follows in my wake.

Am I the only one that hears my kids giggling every time I toot on here?

Me: Do you need me to do anything?

My surgeon: How are you still awake?

My own horn

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Yes. The Mondays. That is good humor, coworker,” I say, readjusting the human flesh across my facial construct.

Thank you, The South

trying to explain to my dog that we don’t have to wake up early because we’re on vacation is proving harder than expected

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

(this is still a dumb hobby)

I think the point David Attenborough is trying to make with all these shows is that the earth would be a pretty nice place if it wasn’t for all the people

If you'll look at this slide, you can see the Death Star's weaknesses here–
*Stormtrooper misses with laser pointer*
*Misses again*
Actually, no weaknesses. Let's move on.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

How would I know what's offensive I'm a boomer.