Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

much like Darkside of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz, Nickelback's album Silver Side Up syncs up with any episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out*

training supervisor: "if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you"

[waking up at 4am to go to the bathroom] This counts as cardio

A waffle is just a pancake that fell asleep on a corduroy pillow

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Detective: and how long has she been missing?

Me: *sobbing* 3 days

Detective: well we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

Me: sort of I guess

I don't know much about bloatware but it sounds like a great alternative to activeware.

This site makes me feel guilty about the fact I didn’t let mastodons on the Ark.

Your Black Friday reminder that the economy is at least 50% more concentrated now than it was in 2005. Shop small if you can. Please.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

waffle irons are bullshit. if they really worked you could put in a waffle and get out a pancake.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn't write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

"Where is your god now?" I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Trump INNOCENTLY invited someone to dinner who recently pledged to go “death con 3” on the Jews and was shocked that he brought along another anti-Semite. Could happen to anyone.

*my eyes open wide, a glass slips from my hand and shatters on the floor*

What if Jolene was Death?

waiter: how is everything

me: good but we’re out of updog

waiter: have you tried the moray

me: what’s a moray

waiter: when the moon hits your eye like this

Black Friday is cool and all, but have you tried grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving?