Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

Trump INNOCENTLY invited someone to dinner who recently pledged to go “death con 3” on the Jews and was shocked that he brought along another anti-Semite. Could happen to anyone.

*my eyes open wide, a glass slips from my hand and shatters on the floor*

What if Jolene was Death?

waiter: how is everything

me: good but we’re out of updog

waiter: have you tried the moray

me: what’s a moray

waiter: when the moon hits your eye like this

Black Friday is cool and all, but have you tried grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving?

Accused of going "goblin mode" simply because I gathered a horde and destroyed the king's precious stronghold.

My friends refuse to tell me their darkest fear. They say I'll write them down in some sort of "terror lexicon" Which of course I would but it hurts for them to think I would pen such a tome

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

you must squeeze only the highest quality brains to harvest smart water

I hate that I have the urge to explain my weight gain to everyone I run into that I haven't seen for a while when I don't feel the urge to explain other recent changes, like the blood red irises, the sigal branded into my forehead, and the overwhelming aura of rotting meat that follows in my wake.

Am I the only one that hears my kids giggling every time I toot on here?

Me: Do you need me to do anything?

My surgeon: How are you still awake?

My own horn

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Yes. The Mondays. That is good humor, coworker,” I say, readjusting the human flesh across my facial construct.

Thank you, The South

trying to explain to my dog that we don’t have to wake up early because we’re on vacation is proving harder than expected

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

(this is still a dumb hobby)

I think the point David Attenborough is trying to make with all these shows is that the earth would be a pretty nice place if it wasn’t for all the people