Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

“Don we now our gay apparel” just means put on your flannels and vans.

Jealous dads wish they had Jessie’s grill.

"the heart wants what the heart wants," I mutter, shoving an entire bakery directly into my chest through a funnel

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a thin blue green layer of mold rippling across the surface of the sour cream container I left to soak in the sink two weeks ago

When God closes a door, he opens a window, then turns the light on and off three times. OCD can be so debilitating.

Solidarity to those of you who, like me, attempted ambitious Lego projects this weekend. Hope they worked out.

I hate it when a murder interrupts my vacation at a posh seaside resort in the 1920s and the bright, helpful young man I've taken into my confidence as I search for the culprit turns out to be the very killer I'm searching for.

sometimes i paint. she’s about the size of a quarter, and i love her.

just finished my fourth second bottle of wine today

No one can ever really destroy Batman, because his real super power is that he's already broken.

I read the sealed message and frown.
"Don't shoot the messenger haha," says the messenger.
"Shoot the messenger", reads the message.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead nor al--

WIFE: Tell him.

SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat's dead.

The McRib is back. It's killed three guards and is looking for weaknesses in the perimeter fence.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I just wish experience could be gauged in a base unit other than rodeo attendance.

ME: There's something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

I guess I can be described as an erotic novel that fell in the bath and is now wrinkled, bloated and hard to read.

My 5yo keeps loudly informing people we paid "𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙍𝙏𝙔 𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏 𝙃𝙐𝙉𝘿𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝘿𝙊𝙇𝙇𝘼𝙍𝙎 and 99 cents" for our Christmas tree.

We did not.