Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

Socks so tight your brain pours out of your eye sockets like toothpaste.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

it's ok, do it in two or three fell swoops, no rush

Nothing reminds me more of a vacation than a credit card bill

#dak

Mickey’s malt liquor pairs best with throwing darts.

Over the hills and far away

#smoo #photo #photography

Dumping hot sauce on my Thanksgiving leftovers just to feel something.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here 
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

*epic kazoo solo*

interviewer: okaaaay…and any weaknesses?

I’m driving around with my turn signal on without changing lanes to balance out the BMW drivers

Finally got to mute and block some people here, and it felt like home.

I know I’ve said this before, but I think this may be the one, The New Yorker!

Me: just watching Monday walk in the room

Calling in sick every Monday until they permanently cancel them.

If you've ever wondered where the majestic velocirooster from my Avi came from, it's a painting by the wonderfully talented Jennifer Miller.

This was not a commission. I had just decided on Velocirooster for my name and when I googled it, her painting "Velocirooster mongoliensis" came up in the image results. I emailed Jennifer and asked if I could use a cropped version for my Avi if I gave her credit in the bio, and she very graciously agreed.

She's a fantastic artist with a flair for the surreal that I really appreciate. And she's a really nice person to boot, so you should definitely go to her website and buy some of her art:

https://featherdust.com/

#WildlifeArt #FantasyArt

(All images by Jennifer Miller)

Dazzle the school head lice inspector by combing glitter into your kid’s hair.

lmao killed the rofl star