Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

You can have Rumplestiltskin’s spindle when you pry it from his gold thread strands

The Grinch’s only mistake was a lack of conviction to see the job through.

But WHEN though? When???

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Socks so tight your brain pours out of your eye sockets like toothpaste.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

it's ok, do it in two or three fell swoops, no rush

Nothing reminds me more of a vacation than a credit card bill

#dak

Mickey’s malt liquor pairs best with throwing darts.

Over the hills and far away

#smoo #photo #photography

Dumping hot sauce on my Thanksgiving leftovers just to feel something.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here 
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

*epic kazoo solo*

interviewer: okaaaay…and any weaknesses?

I’m driving around with my turn signal on without changing lanes to balance out the BMW drivers

Finally got to mute and block some people here, and it felt like home.

I know I’ve said this before, but I think this may be the one, The New Yorker!

Me: just watching Monday walk in the room