Pivo @Pivo@qoto.org

"Bread?" Oh, you mean raw toast. NO THANK YOU.

A gorilla slams Popeye's lifeless body on the rocks. An empty tin can lays near by. Blood on the label almost obscures the word KALE.

tsa agent: sorry you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less

me: ok just toss it out then

Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

*keeps yelling “HIT ME” at a tarot card reading*

Could a depressed person do this? [drinking soup out of a wine glass]

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and He kept walking for a little bit

TRAVEL LOG:
Ordered a salad at this truck stop & people are chanting "lock him up!"

Dog park?? Oh do you mean a barking lot?

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.

Indiana Jones claims to not like snakes yet he uses a whip, the snake of weaponry.

dost thou wish to partake in the
devils cranberry

I'm getting better at pretending to be me.

eating pieces of aluminum foil like
fruit roll ups

the porn version of ratatouille is
called beef stroganoff

Boss: if you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

#scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿😎

Whoa, I missed this part of the documentary.

Me: this is the third time I've gotten food poisoning from your taco truck

Him: sorry have a free taco

Me: hard shell please