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if you like hawaii so much then why don’t you maui it

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been thinking about it a lot and we should go back to being primordial soup

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♫ it's the i of the tiger, with a g to the right
Risin' up to the challenge of a vowel
And the last two letters are an e and an r
And the t is in front of the iiiiii
of the tiger ♫

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Home is where the heart is. Hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

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I’m not a jewelry expert but I do know that if you open a locket, a ghost should pop out.

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Cancel culture? No thanks I’d rather cancel capitalism

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Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics? Uhhhh…the first is you do not talk about robots. So's the second, I think. Third’s something about not getting them wet after midnight?

When my right hand tries to hold the phone my left hand freaks out like "you get everything else!"

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BREAKING NEWS in my house:

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS SOUR CREAM???”
“IT’S RANCH DIP!”
“Oh. Yum…”

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The escalator somehow misses the 2nd floor, and you’re crushed into the lobby ceiling.

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J. JONAH JAMESON: So, this photo ISN'T a selfie, you were actually up there, on the outer wall of the 97th floor of a skyscraper, WITH Spider-Man.

PETER PARKER: Yup.

JJJ: And it only *looks* like a selfie because Spider-Man was "patting your head" while you took the shot?

PETER PARKER: $25, take it or leave it.

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I worked at a place where we weren't allowed to tell people what kind of day to have, and I think about that a lot.

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drugs exist in the liminal space between food and poison

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Out of all seven of the deadly sins, I would have to say, sloth, is by far the most adorable

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