everyone at roundtable hold is a sadsack sourpuss except for roderika, who is living her best life

hewg treats a cool character like his adopted daughter: that's cool, you're a great guy, i love that for you

ofnir treats a cool character like his adopted daughter: get a job! stay away from her!

honestly half the reason i like elden ring is that i don't understand any of its math at all and just sorta navigate all of its "rpg" systems based purely on hearsay and vibes

i posted my character to group chat and my friends are politely telling me how hot she is

the real reason to avoid using spirit ashes is that your console's hard drive is gonna be full of videos of your spirit killing the boss while you're already dead on the ground

(thanks, Lhutel!)

wife: i'll hang out while you play elden ring
me: ok, watch this! [gets smushed by a bowling bowl] [goes on a long elevator ride] [mows down a hundred weird screaming school children]

lady tanith: hello, tarnished. i am the proprietresssss of thissss manor.
me: oooo what's this? a snake cult?
lady tanith: do you have the iron will to oppose the erdtree's plans?
me: well,,, i am pretty excited to learn about the SNAKE CULT
lady tanith: perhaps you are ready to walk the bloody path to a new tomorrow
me, doing cartwheels around the foyer: SNAKE CULT SNAKE CULT SNAKE CULT

ranni: i'm the night witch ranni, here are my three best friends — wolfmans got nards, mr. weapon upgrades, and grand inquisitor pedophile

mr. weapon upgrades: i would die for her

wolfmans got nards: every day i wake up and invent a new way to die for her

grand inquisitor pedophile: [rolling his eyes, sighing theatrically]

ranni: so rogier sent you to spy on me huh

me: yeah pretty much

ranni: that's kinda cool. you should do that. we could be spies together.

gideon: sorry the skull man tried to kill you

me: for uncovering his war crimes

gideon: yeah, the war crimes

me: didn't he work for you

gideon: hmm… i don't recall! … anyway, meet your new roommate!

the poo-poo man: hello

the poo-poo man: what's the worst thing you've ever done. think of the most vile and degraded thing ever. you are like a little baby. i do that thing six times every day before breakfast.

roderika [whispering]: i don't like that guy. i think he's eeeevil.

i really like how Elden Ring doesn't bother to track your "quests" with the exception of a few that involve someone literally handing you a to-do list on a piece of paper

i really like how it supports maps & markers but doesn't saddle you with a mini-map and a dozen glowy arrows at all towns

i'm using a guide here and there to figure out where the things i might really really want are, but when i'm in an area on my way to the thing i'm usually just exploring, vibing. it feels great.

and i absolutely don't have to find everything because i don't *need* everything

having a bit of a crisis because i ran out of imp keys so now a lot of the exploration feels daunting

what do i do, what do i do

azur, master sorcerer: so good at sorcery that he teaches you the pinnacle of primeval sorcery without lifting a finger

all while you're trying to check his pulse, poke him with a stick to see if he's alive at all, &c. &c.

me, like 80 hours into elden ring, fighting two tree sentinels in order to get into the capital city that's built around a titanic magical tree: "why the fuck are all these knight guys tree themed?"

fighting Radahn with the power of friendship (throwing a bunch of bloodthirsty idiots at him while i cast Comet Azur)

grand inquisitor pedophile: i see you've found my sanctum sanctorum

me: uhhh that's one way of putting it

grand inquisitor pedophile: do you, too, wish to live deliciously?

me: umm

grand inquisitor pedophile: very well. you've forced my hand! choose a reward from my cabinet of curiosities

me: i'll take the naked guy with a jar on his head i guess

grand inquisitor pedophile: ohoho, i knew you were a fellow SCHEMER

grand inquisitor pedophile: oh, tarnished, i took you for a lout, but you and i are kindred spirits

me: mm hm

grand inquisitor pedophile: perhaps you would like to participate in the most glorious scheme of all! a masterwork of treachery!

me: [reading a web page that says i'll get a nice treasure if i betray him at the last second] yeah yeah treachery sounds great hoss

grand inquisitor pedophile: well, well, well, tarnished! now that you have TWO of my dollies… perhaps you'd like to… [tents fingers] make them kiss

me: i think i'll just keep them in the packaging if it's all the same to you

grand inquisitor pedophile: ahhh. how refined! a true COLLECTOR

me: …

grand inquisitor pedophile: …

me: …

grand inquisitor pedophile: soooo anyway i drew a picture of what it would look like if you were my best friend

sorceress sellen: yes! hell yes! sellen is BACK, baby! i'm the queen bitch of the academy and things are about to get ~super spicy~ up here! let's show that ethics review board who's boss!

[two hours later]

sellen: [cacophanous hell moan] ah… apprentice… it… seems… my… kata… mari… hypothesis… was… a… touch… flawed…

brother corhyn: i love the noble goldmask! he's so cool! in a lifetime i will only be able to understand as much as he communicates with one twitch of his finger!

me: why's he all desiccated like that

brother corhyn: the noble goldmask is so pure in his asceticism that he can subsist on a single drop of rain

me: is he, tho? subsisting? he looks… dead?

brother corhyn: nonsense, hahaha, we talk all the time when *you're* not here. i'll have you know he tells me i'm his special friend EVERY DAY

spent 45 minutes killing the same black flame guy over and over again to get his armor

this is optimal gameplay because we're all about that drip

i record my boss battle wins for my kid to watch later, and i've got a very special surprise for him today:

a really tense and clean fight against black knife alecto that ends with her just absolutely ripping my guts out with a single counterattack 😎

white mask varre: welcome to the family, lambkin! here's a very ~special~ invitation, just for you…

LOGIC: [medium: fail] this must be it! this must be… the HOMO-SEXUAL UNDERGROUND

melina 🤝 black knife tiche

putting in the hard work to make me the elden lord

it's time for…

✨ FASHION ✨
✨ SOULS ✨

starter look: warrior's blue cloth armor

✨ FASHION ✨
✨ SOULS ✨

mage-knight look: carian knight armor, kaiden helm, scaled greaves & gauntlets (magic poise number achieved)

✨ FASHION ✨
✨ SOULS ✨

"i'm gonna be the coziest elden lord ever" look: blackflame monk armor, radahn's gloves & boots

fun fact: i got that coat from that dead guy you see in the previous screenshot 😎

(had to kill him about 50 times)

i love those facial tats so much — the character creator in this game sincerely makes me happy

really admire #EldenRing's dedication to making sure that whenever the imp with the big fork appears, he's always lined up perfectly to stab you in the ass

tempted to respec into faith just so that i don't have to change my talismans, spell slots, and held items (to use Flame Cleanse Me) every time i run into a scarlet rot swamp

maliketh is basically what would happen if your dog was a human-dog hybrid and then suddenly you went to jail for a long time and he had to find something to do with himself

(he'd sit around the house eating the forbidden snacks, in sweat pants)

me 🤝 black knife tiche
beating elden ring

(the end boss is so much gender)

🎵🎵🎵
life is like a hurricane, here in jar-burg!
tarnished, flowers, potentates, it's a jar-blur!
might solve a mystery, or rewrite history!

d-d-danger, look behind you!
there's a poacher out to find you!
what to do? just grab on to some

corpse goo! (woo ooo)
actually the jars are full of
corpse goo! (woo ooo)
every day they stuff themselves with
corpse goo! (woo ooo)

nagakiba, my beloved

i "beat" the game like 20 hours ago but i'm still in the sewer, hunting the poo poo man (he will not escape me alive)