"JUST FOLLOW THE PROCEDURE" = Fun short story example which kinda says all the problems in life following 1 man in his job and in ironic / unsaid comedy format.

I was laughing even though seems no punch-lines so pass it on as quick reading (quite short).

Let me know if it didn't make you laugh after reading first few paragraphs.

https://archive.org/details/just-follow-the-procedure-e-book

( full text copy below or above is PDF format nicer to eyes: )

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JUST FOLLOW THE PROCEDURE

A STORY BY BROOKS KOHLER

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“For it is not enough to have a good
mind, rather the main thing is to apply it well.
The greatest souls are capable of the greatest
vices as well as of the greatest virtues, and
those who go forward only very slowly can
progress much further if they always keep to
the right path, than those who run and wander
off it.” - René Descartes, Discourse on Method
(1637)

Carl works for a large company. The
building he works in is three stories tall,
shaped like a rectangle, and could fit on a
football field. It is made of brick. It looks very
professional. His company manufactures a
product he is told people need. When he was
hired, Carl had to read a manual and sign an
agreement stating he would not talk about the
company while being employed by said
company or after release of said company.

This means what you are reading is a breach

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of “said” company privacy. If you wish to

continue, you assume the risk.

Carl has worked for the company for
five years. He has received only one salary
increase, and this was reduced to offset an
increase in his health care benefits and
subsequent pension compensation. Carl is fine
with that. He wants to retire early and have
good health. He does not drink. He does not
smoke. Carl signed a contract stating he would
not smoke or drink. The company sometimes
tests Carl to make sure he is holding up his
end of the bargain. Carl does not like the
testing. He finds it to be intrusive, but Carl is

forty-two. He is willing to bend.

Carl does not have an office. Instead, and
to save the company money, he works in a box
called a cubicle. The cubicle changes colors

occasionally. This happens on the weekends.

3

Carl goes home, comes back, and the cubicle is
a different color. This always amazes Carl. He
is allowed to hang pictures on the walls of the
cubicle and is amazed to find they are all in
the same place when he returns and finds the
color of the walls have been changed. He

asked about it once.

“Why do they do that?”

“Do what?”

“Change the colors?”

“I don't know. They just do.”

“Yeah, but they always get my pictures
right.”

“They do?”

“Yes.”

“Huh, I never noticed. You're a smart
guy, Carl.

Anyway, as I was saying...”

The company has a board of directors.

4

They live in large homes that all look the
same. They live in places far away and visit the
company to pat people on the backs. When
they do come, they pat Carl on the back very
hard. They tell him he is doing a fine job. Carl
smiles. He tries to talk to them. They try to
listen but are always pulled away because
there is someone else who is just as important
as he who wants to meet the back patters.
When this happens, Carl smiles. He
understands they are busy people and returns
to work. His output usually goes up after this
confidence boost. He has noticed he gets a
bonus every time the board of directors comes
around. He is thankful for the bonus. It helps

him at home.

Carl is married with two kids, a boy and
a girl. He feels blessed. His wife is a teacher.
His children are good students; they attend

special classes at the school where his wife

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teaches, and both have high GPAs. The boy
wants to be a detective. He takes advanced
math courses. The girl wants to be a nurse. She
takes advanced science courses. The boy is
always helping the principal solve cold cases
such as, “Who stole the lunch money last
March?” and “Who is using cell phones in
class?” The girl is always watching over the
children at recess and making sure the
younger students are safe. This makes Carl
and his wife happy. They see their children

being beneficial to society one day.

Carl bought the family a new car with
his last bonus. The bonus was enough for a
down payment. Before the car could be
driven, Carl's wife slapped a sticker on the rear
that read, “My children are honor students
at...” It made Carl proud. His children were
doing very well. He gave each one a hug. The

salesman took a picture of the family with

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their new automobile. Carl made a copy and
placed it on the wall of his cubicle. He often
looks at it while he is working. It makes him
happy, and he remembers his reason for

working.

Carl is part of a special group. He
operates under a procedure. This came about
after a long weekend. He sat down in his
recently color-changed cubicle and discovered
an envelope. The envelope had Carl's name on
it and printed on the envelope were the words:
important special memo. Carl began to open

the memo, but he was interrupted.

“Oh, you got one, too?”
“One what?”
“A memo. That guy over there got one,
too.”
“What guy?”
“That guy.”

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Carl raised up over his cubicle wall. He
saw a fellow employee he did not recognize.
“Who is that?”

“I don't know. I think he's new.”

Carl lowered back down. He started to
think. He was left alone to think. He took a
look over his shoulders. Then, slowly and
carefully, he opened the envelope. His eyes

grew wide.

Carl must attend meetings. They are
about his special status. He is constantly
reminded at these meetings about how
important he is to the company. He is told
that, without his efforts, the company would
not be where it is financially. He is told that he
is part of something greater than himself and

that everyone is indebted to him.

His office manager hands him progress

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reports to prove it. The progress reports are
printed on blue and yellow paper. She is
pleased with Carl's progress and gives him
notes on how to improve efficiency. At these
meetings, she hands out tickets to free movies
for doing such a good job. At first, Carl wanted
to know why he was getting the tickets. He
wanted to know why he was considered
special. He had received no special training
and, in his opinion, was doing nothing
different than he was on the day when he had
started working for the company. This
questioning got Carl into trouble with the
other employees who are considered special.
During this period of doubt, Carl was
reminded by his office manger to follow the
procedure. This was done with a finger on the
table and a big speech about the importance of
everyone being on the same page. Carl was
told, during the big speech, not to worry. He

was told to just keep doing what he was

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currently doing, and everything would turn
out fine. He was reminded of his family and
what they would think if he did not do his job.
This made Carl feel guilty. He would listen to
the speech and then turn to face down the
scrutinizing stares of all the other special
employees. This always made him lower his
head and apologize. At these times, he would
report that he was ashamed for offending the
group and mistrusting the company. “The
company has been good to me,” he would say.
“They are good to all of us. They provide us
with a good work space and a solid paycheck
to help our families, and,” he would pause and
say confidently, “the benefits, you cannot beat
the benefits.” This acknowledgement would
make the office manager smile. It would make
the others satisfied. Now, Carl attends the
meetings and never questions for what he is

special.

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Around the office, Carl is constantly
pressured to discuss his special status. He
wants to talk about it but does not. He is afraid
if he does he will jeopardize the company. He
tells this to the employees who ask. This

causes them to be concerned.

“What do you know that we don't, Carl?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why all the secrecy?”

“Because I have been told not to say
anything.”

“But you are saying something. You are
telling us not to worry. If there is nothing to
worry about, Carl, then why are you being so
tight-lipped about it?”

“I don't know. I am supposed to be. That
is all I know.”

“You don't know?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you going along with this

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“special status” thing anyway? Don't you
wonder if you should be?”

“No.”

“Well, I'm no genius, Carl, but it sounds
as if you should. I am concerned, Carl. I am
concerned not only for us but also for you.
How many more people around here are
considered special status?”

“I cannot say.”

“You mean you cannot say because you
have been told not to, or because you do not
know?”

“Both.”

“Yes. See, Carl? That is what I'm talking

about.”

Carl lives in a nice suburb. All his
neighbors have good jobs so they can afford
nice things and their children can attend
better schools. Carl can afford nice things and

appreciates nice things. His house was

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designed to be extra nice. It looks the same as
those of his neighbors. It is a single-story
square with a roof. Also, Carl is part of a
homeowners’ association, a system designed
for maximum efficiency, security, and
aesthetic value. The rules are strict. Carl
cannot do certain things to his property, but

he is happy with the benefits.

Carl hates mowing the lawn. A part of
his homeowner's fees pays for lawn
maintenance. He has been told the rates are
inflated, but if they are, Carl does not mind.
The extra time allows him to relax with his
family. He enjoys cooking out and watching
television. Carl does this almost every night
when the weather is nice. If he had to mow his
own lawn, like his less fortunate friends who
are not part of a homeowners’ association, he
could not enjoy his time off. He is reminded of

this when his neighbors come over and play

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cards. They talk about their jobs, and Carl
cooks steaks. These cookouts he enjoys
immensely, and yard maintenance would get

in the way.

Nobody in Carl's suburb knows about his
special status, not even his wife. All his
neighbors are envious. They wish their bosses
would give them free tickets to movies. Carl
laughs and sighs when he hears them
complain. He enjoys the perks of being
special. Carl's wife tells him to thank his office
manager for being so kind. Carl does, at the

meetings.

Carl has a special box on his desk. It was
given to him when he received his special
status. It has a sign on it that reads: Open
special box in case of emergency. At first, Carl
wondered what was in the box. Now, he does

not. He figures it is there for a reason and

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never asks. His co-workers are not as

convinced.

“So, Carl, did you find out what was in
that thing?”

“What thing?”

“The box.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's none of my business. It
belongs to the company.”

“None of your business? None of your...
Carl, are you okay? There is a special box on
your desk, and you don't know what is in it?”

“You are correct.”

“And youre not the least bit curious? I
mean, I don't have a box. He doesn't have a
box. She doesn't. He doesn't. The guys over
there in the purple cubicles don't.”

“And you and they are not special either,

are you?”

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“Well, no, Carl, I guess we're not, but we
are your friends and we...”

“No, you are not my friends. You are
nosey. You ask too many questions and have
no faith in the company.

So, please leave me alone so I can do my

job. You can thank me later.”

On Carl's desk are a computer and
telephone. The computer and telephone
belong to the company. Carl uses them to
complete his work. He is not allowed to use
the computer or telephone for personal use of
any kind. The computer is closely monitored
from an undisclosed location. Carl knows this.
Everybody he works with knows this. You
cannot work for his company unless you agree
to specific terms of use. Carl does not mind
this.

There are computers and phones in the

break room he can use for personal use. He

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must log in each time he uses either the
computer or telephone. He is told this is for
security. He is reminded in memos that: Cell
phone use on company property is forbidden.
Carl can respect the discretion. He has special
status which is based entirely upon the

premise.

Sometimes, while working at his desk,
Carl gets a message on his computer screen
that flashes: incoming call. The message
appears and locks the screen. When this
happens, Carl stops what he is doing and waits
for a blue light on his phone to blink. When it
does, he answers and hears the familiar voice
of someone named Amy who is calling from
the undisclosed location. Amy calls twice a
week to see how Carl is doing. She is always
pleasant and very cheerful. Carl likes Amy.
She sounds very nice. He suspects she is young

and attractive and someone he would enjoy

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having over to his house for dinner, if only he
could. Employee fraternization beyond the
company is strictly prohibited. Carl
remembers this policy and is very professional
when he talks to Amy. She tells him he is
doing a good job and gives him tips on how he
can do better. Carl writes down the tips and

hangs up the phone.

Carl does not know what product his
company makes. All he knows is that it deals
with computers. When he was hired, he was
told his job would be making sure order
numbers were routed correctly. He was also
told that this was all he could know about his
job for proprietary reasons. Carl had to agree
to never divulge company secrets. He had to
sign a document stating he would be liable for
any breach of his contract. It was the last
document he signed before being allowed
onto the company floor. That special, first day

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was well remembered. He was escorted
around the office by a very nice woman
named Bev. Bev told Carl she had been with
the company for ten years. She led Carl
around and pointed out the specifics of his

work environment.

“And this, Carl, is where you will be
working, Section C. The work spaces are
coded for efficiency. Efficiency is everything,
Carl. Everyone must be on the same page if
this machine is going to run like clockwork.
Just do what you're supposed to do, and you
will be fine. If you have any questions, consult

your Employee Procedure Manual.”

Carl has not seen Bev since that first day.
He wonders how she is doing. Carl remembers
having the feeling that he wanted to be as
successful as Bev. She had an air of confidence

about her, and the employees noticed her

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when she walked by their cubicles. He has
wanted to thank her for the words of
encouragement. He brought it up at a meeting
once. He asked if anyone had heard from Bev.
Nobody had. To his surprise, nobody even
knew who she was. His boss said she would
check and get back to him. Carl is still waiting

for an answer.

Carl has a very long contractual
agreement with the company. He never read
the contractual agreement before he signed it.
Carl was only told the main details and shown
where to sign. Then he was given a good pat
on the back and welcomed to the company.

Carl should have had a lawyer read the
contract before he signed it, but he did not.
After all, Carl needed a job. He is the father of
two, loving children and the husband of a
happy wife; they depend on him to bring

home the bacon. However, he does not know

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that the routing numbers he keys into his
computer are not for typical orders, or that
the color-coded cubicles are used to decoy his
work environment. Carl does not know the
little box on his desk contains a key, and that
the key unlocks an escape hatch beneath his
chair, or that Amy calls to make sure he is still
psychologically sound. No, Carl knows none
of this.

He stopped asking questions, and as long
as he does not ask any questions, he will never
know that since being employed by the
company he has helped to either maim,
injure, disembowel, exterminate, mutilate, kill,
incinerate, vegetate, or annihilate over 2388,
593, 002 people. He will never know this, as

long as he continues to follow the procedure.

THE END

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“Just Follow the Procedure” (Written by
Brooks Kohler in 2011. Published by Brooks
Kohler in 2021.)

This story is fiction. Similarities to any person

living or deceased are coincidence.