Scene: Apple Store Eaton Centre, have an appointment
- a sea of people, but not as bad as usual
- try to locate a person with a tablet in red shirt who is unoccupied
- two appear unoccupied, but are occupied
- third, a guy with glasses, points me towards “the guy with glasses”

If only Kafka had lived to experience an Apple store.

Guy With Glasses #2 finally available, directs me to Yet Another Guy, who tells me I’m 20 mins early and have to come back (20 mins being the exact time you can’t really do anything with)

Reader, it does not help that I am viciously hangry. Never go to the Apple Store hangry.

“I guess I’ll check out the phones, wait which phones are which”

no more helpful informational plaques on the display tables, so who knows

.@AppleSupport@twitter.com you need a UX person for your stores just FYI

I have stopped trying to browse because nothing is labelled and scrolling through on the screen of each device to find out what it is got annoying. This is the point three people approached me to ask if I needed help.

Now a security man just moseyed over to stand by me. I am OFFICIALLY SUSPICIOUS.

You’d think someone standing on the side of the room with a “please kill me what is this hellscape” expression on their face would be a daily occurrence here.

It is 2pm! I cannot find The Guy because he has moved, everything in this space is ephemeral.

I found him! He is talking to two other people. More waits.

Another woman just jumped ahead of me. I do not blame her really, how could you tell I was in line?

Finally, I speak to Check-In Guy. He tells me to sit at a table and wait some more. I can barely hear him, or anyone directing me towards other people or spaces in this morass, because the sound engineering in here bounces noise around and I am everywhere hearing everyone.

To recap I was here at 1:40 for my 2pm appointment just so I could navigate this chaos and there is no abandoning this chaos, let the chaos surround you, be an island of calm in your own mind, do not murder anybody.

UPDATE I have my phone back with a new battery (at a 10% charge, golf clap!) and thus am abandoning my second planned destination (Service Ontario: Kafka 2 Electric Boogaloo). HOME, JEEVES*

*TTC

(If you, too, ever find yourself hangry at the Apple Store/Eaton Centre), I recommend you waltz down to Trattoria Mercatto and order The Rachel (beets and burrata, Prosecco, and a tiramisu) and let them soothe you with a newspaper and commiseration over Apple Store Hell.

(No joke, best Tiramisu of my life.)

Hello I am home and plugged into electricity so I offer you this coda:

I returned to the Apple Store at my allotted time and lo! ‘Teas not ready. Fine. I went to the bathroom. I came back. Still not ready, please wait yonder. No, not yonder here, yonder there. I settle.

Half a second later, a couple disturbs a drone unit on the ledge to my left with an elbow as they pass and SIRENS!

Staff and security rush, ask me to move again, but nothing can stop the SIRENS.

Me:

Luckily, shortly thereafter, I was awarded my (5% battery) phone and sent on my way.

@Apple@twitter.com, I am available for independent consultation. DM me.