Because my Internet speed has been more-or-less crippled thanks to all the quarantined bored people YouTubing and FaceBooking instead of working, I've been reading from my >20mb "quotes.txt" archives (wherein I've spent almost 20 years collecting bits and pieces of funny, interesting, and/or insightful forum posts, page snippets, and so on). I'm currently re-reading for the several-th time a section of D&D material and imma slake my boredom while letting Linux update over a gigabyte of apps by copy-pasting here!
My party found a group of Vampire Formians inhabiting an entire mountain. The town built in the area was being used by the formians for food and slave labour.
Formians are Horse sized ants.
We snuck in, killed the queen, created a shit ton of sleds with magic and sled the entire town down the hill.
Have you ever kicked over an Anthill? That's what was following us. Only the ants were, as mentioned, Horse sized.
I was a Psion. I was raising walls and blasting dozens to death with Energy balls, and we weren't even rolling for damage. Everytime we slowed them down a bit the DM said "That bought you X rounds, or X minutes."
The Paladin was skating down on his Horse, who I had cast Skate on, Charging through ranks of 4 and 5 at a time, the Sorcerer was blasting, the Rogue was standing on a sled, balancing, tossing magical daggers with Ravages on them.
There was a reason we were counting time instead of wounds.
We had cast a spell a few minutes before beginning our descent.
Eventually, the slope levelled too much and our sled convoy stopped. THe GM NPC character got off one last spell. End to All Strife. No enemy could attack anyone within 40 feet of a point or they'd take 20d6 and die. So they sat and waiting, us and the whole town crowded into that area.
Then our spell finally finished working. The entire Hive had turned out to murder us. over ten thousand horse sized vampire ants.
The spell?
Control Weather.
The choice of weather?
Clear Sunny Skies.
I also was not allowed to use Magic Mouth as a psychological weapon.
>Singing helmets
>Moaning corpses
>Humming firewood
>Screaming coins
>Poetry jam sessions by skulls
>Whistling tunics
I was pretty much the bane of every thief and watchmen in that campaign. If my DM is reading this, I'm not sorry, but I do feel somewhat bad for putting you through that. You did put us from Eberron into Ravenloft, so you had to expect something.
Huh, final note. Had a thought about Demilich-dom. If I do become a Demilich, I have to choose a single part of my Skeletal system to keep. But can a stack it?
Like, I become a disembodied skull. Alright. But of course I'm going to want more power. I'm a DEMILICH. So, could I stack on top of another Demilich? Like, if a took some chump necromancer, and held his hand all the way to Demilich-dom, could I then force him to become a spine and then dock my skull on top of that? Perhaps eventually build back up to becoming a full skeleton again?
I will have to try. For science.
~
You've just now convinced me a skeleton composed of composite demiliches would be the most powerful caster imaginable, barring unique circumstances.
A villain like that could be used to explain damn near anything quirky about the world too...
"Why is there a giant crater here?" "Lichotron"
"Who the hell built an ancient civilization in a desert?" "Lichotron"
"Where in the hell did flying great white shark swarms come from?!" "Lichotron"
Some of them [aboleths] don't even have to eat the brain to get the knowledge. They are powerful psychics, after all. I mean, say it gets a high up official. It keeps it trapped for a few days, reading every thought and memory, then wipes it. Put it somewhere, where it's found, with a few tankards of expensive alcohol, maybe some other... stuff.
It's a nightmare. A dream. They were drunk off their ass, right?
If they remember?
"I was mind-raped by a monster fish-squid!'
Yeah. And you just happen to have some hallucinogenics, alcohol, and smell like you've been on a 3 day bender...
We're surrounded by gold dwarfs. Our dwarf cleric decides he wants to try and impress some of the women, AFTER consuming massive amounts of alcohol.
He rolls a 1 on his charisma check, and has a -1 penalty for charisma. He basically couldn't have done worse, but would have.
DM: "You unzip your pants, utter a few drunken slurs, and helicopter spin your flaccid penis."
~
dude, helicopter spin is like nat 20 auto-success status.
Women are powerless against the virile attraction of the choppercock
Vikings you say?
Have them build longboats of pure adamantium, rowed by the strongest of the dwarves with oars made of the finest steel. On the prow of these boats is a sculpture in which there lies a portal to the elemental plane of fire, when activated, it will spew out flame to incinerate all in it's path, inculding the very earth.
These are the Dwarven tanks, their fire sculptures melting the land, paving slick roads upon which these hellish longboats can ride, spewing iron and flame and bolts at all in range, and slashing at any who get too near, as the oars double as axes, of course.
~
A giant metal fire-breathing boat which can sail anywhere because it turns everything into lava?
Are you fucking serious.
[in regards to MtG]
White =/= Good
White is a certain selflessness and interest in others over the self, but that doesn't always mean good. White can be tyrannical, authoritarian and controlling, denying free will and individuality in favour of the common good.
Likewise, Black is not evil. It is simply self interest, competition, individual identity and individual supremacy.
Heck, a simple way of showing this up is that Capitalism is Black, while Communism is White. Whose the bad guy now?
Blinding Beauty can be persisted - if you don't want to go Invisible, blind everyone looking at you instead.
~
If you're going wizard-hunting, who says you can't do both? The BBEG can't see you while you're invisible, unless he pops a see invisibility or true seeing or similar, at which point he now can't see anything at all.
Explain that bit about "golems are actually weak to magic"? That's blowing my mind.
~
Most people see the words "Magic Immunity" and logically conclude that makes golems immune to magic. A reasonable conclusion. But if you actually read the definition of the ability, what it actually says is that golems are immune to all spells that allow SR, with a handful of exceptions specified. Which means it's a gigantic misnomer.
What it actually means is that golems effectively have infinite SR, with a few exceptions. Of course, SR is a joke, so even having an infinite amount of it is still a joke. Consequently you cast SR: No spells, of which there are plenty. Now check their save lines. See how terrible they are?
"Golems are weak to magic."
QED.
~
I know how SR works, I wasn't asking that. And what you say is largely technically true but I just don't see "Golems are weak to magic" as a proper conclusion to what you are saying. Being effectively immune to half the spells in the game and having "standard" resistances to the rest doesn't seem weak at all to me. I'm not saying that golems are unbeatable or should be considered the creatures MOST resistant to magic in the game but weak? Where's the weakness?
~
They have terrible saves. All of the good spells still work. What is difficult to understand?
To be good against magic they would need to have one of the following:
Immunity to ALL spells. Which is actually impossible, as even if they are immune to all direct spells you can still use spells indirectly.
High saves, not low saves.
They have neither of these things. So golems laugh at blasters a little harder than other encounters laugh at them. The competent casters do not care.
~
I think his point is that blanket immunity to a category of spells is a strict improvement from the normal situation. They aren't particularly weak to magic, except to the same extent Undead are (by virtue of shitty hit dice, which they tend to have lots of as a mitigating factor). That their immunity doesn't actually serve to PROTECT them very well doesn't mean it accomplishes the opposite.
~
Undead have good Will saves, which is half the battle. They are also outright immune to many of the good spells. This includes the same spells that Constructs are immune to, but is not limited to them. Most undead are intelligent. This makes them immune to many more shutdowns.
Seeing a golem at any level provokes the following response: "Cute, I cast Silent Image/Obscuring Mist/Glitterdust from a throwaway slot, and auto win. Now where's the nearby Wizard?"
~
Good point. Mindlessness does kinda mean "Auto-lose to illusions". I ever mention the time my party killed a Greater Siege Crab with Silent Image? Good times.
You should take Poison Healer, from the Fiendish Codex.
~
It seems interesting but very situational...unless there is a way to use it I do not understand......
~
Alcohol.
And now the (fictional?) tales of a video game store owner!!
=============
<Ring>
"Gamer's Edge"
"Yes, what would you give me for a copy of Madden 2001 for the PS2?"
"$25 in credit."
"I talked to some other game stores, and they said they would give me $65 to $70."
"Then I suggest you take it to them. I find giving more for a used game than what it sells for new to be a very poor business decision."
<long pause>
"Uhm... how about $50?"
"No, no, no. I insist you take your game to one of those fine stores that undoubtedly seeks your business much more than I do, as they are willing to take such a loss for your benefit. Have a good day."
<click>
Why do people try such obvious lies just to try and get more for their games? Do they believe anyone would price match such a ridiculous claim simply because of a zealotry to earn customers? Some people's children.
"Do you sell mod chips?"
"Go ahead, ask me what I sell."
"What do you sell?"
"I sell video games. What a stupid question."
"What does a mod chip cost?"
"Apparently one of us isn't keeping up."
"What do you mean?"
"If I sold you a mod chip, then you would never buy a game from me ever again. And that would be very much in opposition to my being able to run a profitable business."
"I just want one to play copied games."
"What? Do I look like an idiot? What the hell did you think I thought you wanted it for?"
"err..."
"Exactly. Now look, if I were to sell you a mod chip I would lose you as a customer. Now, if I were going to lose you as a customer I'd rather do it on a high note like setting you on fire. At least then I would have some satisfaction of a job well done."
"I'm leaving!"
"But I haven't set you on fire yet!"
"Do you sell mod chips for the PlayStation?"
"The door is to your left. Try not to let it hit you on the way out."
"What?"
"I'm politely saying get the hell out."
Some people really need to learn you never threaten to beat up two people who are both bigger than you, as they will lose.
So there was Gord sitting in his chair and socializing with some of the regulars who come to his store when in comes the young would-be thieves.
After walking around the store and coming to the conclusion that the only live stock is the games behind the counter, they come up with a brilliant plan. They'll just reach over while Gord is standing there and steal a game.
"Can I use the phone?"
"Sure."
Buddy then reaches over to use the phone on the wall, only he keeps on going over and says "hey... Fifa..." and picks up the game, puts it in his jacket, and then goes to pick up the phone.
"Well this kid is the idiot of the week I must say." thought Gord. "Does he not understand you're suppose to steal the game when I'm not looking, and you don't announce it to the world that you're stealing it?"
And in his absolute brilliance, he phones his house. Oh joy. Now Gord not only knew who he was (as the other people in the store knew him), but now the Gord had his phone # to boot.
Sadly there were other customers in the store at the time so the Gord delegated the authority of picking up the kid as he left the store to another who was of sufficient stature to close the issue. A demi-Gord if you will.
As demi-Gord approached the young thief, the thief made a break for it. The chase was on, and the Gord was not part of it. The Gord was saddened.
Eventually the substitute Gord returned with the game in hand, rather pissed at the distance he had to run and that the kid ended up grabbing a rather large stick.
No one escapes the wrath of Gord! Gord had his name, and quickly found out where this thief's locker was and what class he was in next using his vast resources.
To the high school went the Gord and the substitute Gord.
Once in the school the thief was quickly spotted and approached. He didn't see the Gord approach and was rambling on about how he stole a game and that he got away free.
"I do believe you are the one I am looking for" spoke the Gord.
"Oh fuck!" declared the thief. "You can't do anything to me! I'm in the school! You can't hurt me!" as he backed up against the lockers.
"You're right" spoke the Gord. "However, my friend here who is also in school can." Gord snapped his fingers and the demi-Gord approached the thief to begin the beating.
"Wait!" cried the thief. "Let's take this outside."
And outside they all went, for it was considerably easier to do anything out of sight of the authorities.
As the group approached the Gord's Mazda of Death, the Gord grabbed the thief by the scruff of his jacket and spoke "Get in the vehicle, we're going for a ride." (the plan was to take the thief to the local police station so that he could confess to his crimes)
Alas, the thief began screaming, crying and wet his pants. Apparently he got the idea in his head that they were going to take him out of town and gang beat him. Gord knows this as this information was relayed back to him later.
Others ran to the aid of this now crying thief on his knees screaming.
"Let him go!"
"Or what?" spoke the Gord.
"You want some of me?" suggested the thieves friend.
"Look at you. You might be intimidating to a small child. But I'm not a small child. Now shut the hell up and walk away."
And the would be savoir of the thief backed away.
At this time the principal arrived and took all involved to his office and settled the issue. Thief suspended from school, parents called, etc.
And the best part was when the thief when into hommie speak about how he could have kicked our asses and it's lucky the principal showed up to save us.
"How about you shut up or I'll leave this room for a few minutes, and when I come back I'll hear how you fell out of your chair and into the desk and floor a few times? Look at him! He's a gorilla compared to you!" the principal spoke concerning the demi-Gord.
And thus ended the "Hey, Fifa!" caper.
Act 2
"The examples she set's for her children and peers is something to marvel at. Why doesn't anyone say 'Hey! You're an idiot.'"
20 minutes later...
<ring>
Ah sweet! That's the same last name as the crazy lady... Unleash the dogs of war!
"Good Afternoon, Government's Agents Office. How may I direct your call?"
"Yes, I'd like to make a complaint about Gamer's Edge. I need to talk to... <pause>... the bureau, the bureau of... the bureau of video games and uhm..."
"The Bureau of Video Games and Customer Relations? One moment please. I'll transfer your call."
Gord presses the 5 key on the phone and says:
"Bureau of Video Games and Customer Relations. How may I be of assistance?"
"Yes, I'd like to file a complaint about Gamer's Edge in Penticton! For no reason they were rude to me and refused to rent to me!"
"Wait a minute, aren't you that crazy lady that was down there earlier today? We're heard about you! You slammed your door on your kid. So what, are you retarded by birth or just been beat around the head too much?"
"WHAT?!?!?"
"Seriously, what's with you. When they say the mentally challenged should not procreate, you're the poster child. I can transfer you to that department if you like."
"You can't talk to me like that!"
"I'm sorry, but the law says that if you are on welfare that government agents can treat you however we want because technically, you owe us. Get off welfare if you want to be treated with respect."
"I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!"
"What?" (my god, has she not clued in yet as to what's going on?)
"Put your boss on the phone NOW!"
"One moment please."
(Gord presses the 5 key again for a tone)
"This is the department supervisor."
"Yes, your staff is rude to me!"
"Well, have you ever thought why that might be?"
"What?!"
"Well, look at you. You're a lousy dresser, you're fucking annoying, and you're on welfare because you can't hold a job. How about you just shut the hell up and stop spending my money by getting a job and off of welfare."
<click>
You'd think that they would have hung up a long time back...
And you also think they would never come back. Can you guess what part 3 is? Oh I think you can...
Act 3 - The Return of Crazy Lady!
"Oh no! Please! Don't threaten never to come back after I've told you to go away. Anything but that!"
So there Gord was, average day, and a woman rents a couple games and promises to pay the late fees next time she rents. Nothing out of the ordinary She then leaves with her games.
"Gord! That was her!"
"Who?"
"The crazy lady!"
"Really?"
At this point it had been six months since the incident. Her husband signed up an account 2 weeks prior and rented a couple games that were late coming back.
Long story short, the games she had were also late and in the end I was owed some $80 in late fees. At a $1 a day per game, that takes a while.
Eventually it was forwarded to collections (accounts that go inactive for six months and owe more than $20 are forwarded to collections).
<ring>
"Gamer's Edge"
"What's this about me owing you money!?!"
"Can I ask the same question too since I have no idea who you are?"
"You told your collection company I owe you $80!"
"Ok. I told the collection company you owe me $80."
"Why did you do that?"
"My theory would be because you owe me $80. How about I pull up your account and see what the account says."
So I pull up the account. Oh the memories! The crazy lady has returned!
"Ma'am, you had a few games that were quite late." (Gord then listed them all off, including dates and days extra).
"I've never returned a game late to you."
(Ah the lies)
"I would suggest that statement is a fallacy."
"I'm a huge customer of yours! You should just waive the late charges."
(ok fine, lie some more)
"Ma'am, you've spent a grand total of $16 in the store and racked up $83 in late charges. Perhaps if you paid them off you might be closer to being 'a big customer.'"
"Well, I'm on welfare and I can't afford to pay it."
(unleash the dogs of war again!)
"Yes Ma'am. I can tell you are on welfare."
<pause>
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!"
"I said 'Yes ma'am, I can tell you're on welfare.'"
"I heard you say that!"
"That would be because I said it to you."
"You hear him say that?!? Did you? See! My friend heard you say that!"
"Ma'am, I will write it down for you, sign it, and mail it to you if you would like. 'Dear Ma'am, I can tell you are on welfare. Lots of love, Gord.'"
"You can't say that! That's illegal! That's slander!'
"Ma'am, it's what we call the truth. Perhaps if you were to use some of my money you get every month to buy a book and read up on the law you'd learn a bit and expand your mind."
"I'm never paying the money we owe you!"
"That's nice. Technically, it's your husbands account. So I have no reason to talk to you about it."
"We're never paying!"
"That's nice. Then we'll go to court and you'll have to pay the court costs."
"We won't show up!"
"Oh that's fucking brilliant. Your parents must be so proud. Might I again suggest you read a book?"
"If you want your money you'll have to sue!"
"Are you not keeping up on current events? That's what were discussing."
"And I'll sue you for desecration of character!"
"Ma'am, that would be defamation of character. And as you are on welfare, and I can tell you're on welfare, I am allowed to say 'yes, ma'am, I can tell you're on welfare.'"
"We heard you say that! We're going to sue!"
"Perhaps we should slow down a bit and let you keep notes. You're just not keeping up here."
"Fuck you!"
"I'm sorry ma'am, you do not sexually excite me. "
"I'm never renting from you again!"
"That's nice. But you can't anyway until you pay off your late charges anyway."
"You'll have to sue!"
"Very well, I'll get the paperwork in order for Monday."
<pause>
<click>
Anyway she eventually paid some of her late charges to the collection company on the day court action was to have started. And that was the last I ever heard of the Crazy Lady...
Perhaps one day the saga will continue.... We can only hope.
-------------------------
When they rent and don't return a game, they're stealing after they've been caught. Ruined credit should not be a surpise.
---------------------------
When they rent and don't return a game, they're stealing after they've been caught. Ruined credit should not be a surpise.
So this guy comes into the store, signs up a new account, and rents
Wrestlemania 2000 for the N64. Anyway, it never comes back. The people on the phone claim he moved, and the mail was returned. So off to collections it goes.
... a year later buddy comes storming into the store...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT ME OWING YOU MONEY!?!?"
"Uhm, sure. You owe me money. Sounds good to me. Do I guess who you are and make up a number, or do you want to tell me?"
"I tried to get a loan from my bank to buy a car, and my credit record shows I owe you $130! The collection company says I owe for Wrestlemania!"
"Ah, hang on. Ah yes, Wrestlemania. It was rented by you and never returned."
"So you listed it on my credit record?!"
"Well, yes."
"Now no one will lend me any money because they think I'm a bad credit risk!"
"You are a bad credit risk. This is hardly a surprise."
"You have to remove it from my record."
"Why?"
"So I can get a car loan."
"Let's see, you want me to commit fraud so you look better to your bank. Nope, not seeing any reason here for me to partake in your plan. How about you pay off the debt and then it will show it as being paid in full."
"No. I can't afford that."
"Then you'll be without a car loan. Good day. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Buddy then starts to almost cry as he leaves. Then the next day the nice folks from the money place across the road pay me a visit. Apparently he was trying to get money from everyone for his car loan. No one would touch him as long as he owed me. Alas, poor thief, for Gord has ruined him.
Next day, his girlfriend shows up. Now this is good, she tries to go into how she works at a bank and she knows "the law!"
"You can't list stuff like that on the bureau."
"Yes, yes I can. It's a debt, or a credit if you will. This credit was never paid. This would be an example of poor credit history."
"That's illegal!"
"And you're the one that works at the bank? Whoa, standards sure seem to have fallen. And what's illegal is buddy stealing the game. Why not just tell him to get off his ass and pay me, then he might get his loan. No one is going to give him any money as long as he has outstanding bad debts."
This went on back and forth about how she knows the law and she works at a bank and how her mom always said she was a special child. I later learned she was the part-time receptionist when I stopped in at the bank (as I had an old account there).
Act 1
"Cry for her children, for they never had a chance to be normal."
The setting: Wednesday morning on welfare day. How people on welfare can afford games, I don't know. But they buy a lot. Much better than food or shelter I guess.
Remember the Far Side where the kid is at the school for the gifted and he's trying to push on the door when it's labeled pull? Well, this one kid was trying for two minutes to do the same thing at Gord's door. Oh this was going to hurt when the rest of the family showed up.
Finally the mother shows up with a second child and they enter the store. Around and around they go until they have around 8 or 9 games they want to rent and then they come up to the counter.
"Yes, I want to rent these games."
"Do you have an account here?"
"No I do not. What does it take to sign up an account?"
"A piece of government picture ID and either a credit card or a social insurance card."
She then tosses down an expired intern drivers license with no picture.
"Ma'am, that is neither government picture ID nor is it a credit card nor is it a social insurance card."
<now she starts yelling>
"If I'm pulled over in my car and I give that as ID they'll know it's me!"
"Ma'am, if you were pulled over in your car and you provide insurance papers and an intern drivers license, then yes, they'll assume that it's you. However, you are not in your car and I don't see any insurance papers. Plus it's expired. You'd be given a $100 fine for driving without a license and your vehicle towed."
"Just rent me the games!"
"You'll need an account. Perhaps a deposit can be made?"
"I'm going to take my business elsewhere where I am appreciated!"
"You do that."
"I'm going to Video Update!"
"You do that. They charge $5 a day, I charge $5 a week."
And at this time she storms out. Only she left her brilliant son behind. Then she yells at him to hurry up, and so he makes a break for the door. Only when he got there the woman decided to slam the door to make a scene and promptly slammed it into her son. Ass over tea kettle is the phrase. I'm surprised there wasn't blood everywhere, he was sent flipping.
Then she comes storming back in, grabs her kid who is now in a state of shock and drags him outside. "Man, this lady is messed" pondered Gord.
And 30 second later she comes storming back in and yelling.
"I'm going to phone the city on you!"
"For what? Oh no, I won't let someone rent games without ID?"
"I'm going to phone the police!"
"Hello? 911? The game store won't rent me any games without ID or a deposit! Arrest his ass! Now!"
"I'm going to phone the paper!"
"Here, I'll phone them and they can come down to talk to us. Maybe you'll make the front page for your sheer intellectual prowess. Will you pose for the picture?"
"I'll phone the government on you!"
(and now it gets really good. Sheer brilliance on this one).
<and Gord does this in a shocked, scared and shaking voice>
"Oh please... no. Don't do that, please. They'll shut me down! Please, I beg of you and implore you not to do that. Whatever you do, don't call the 'Bureau of Video Games and Customer Service.' I've already got my one warning, and if they get another complaint they'll shut me down... please, don't..."
"Yes, that's exactly who I am going to phone!"
"Are you sure? Look, here is their number. (Gord writes down my store phone number). Please, don't... I'll be closed down."
"You should have thought of that before you didn't rent to me!"
And she storms out... Let the waiting begin.