Hrisskar Flat-Foot @hrisskar@qoto.org

Act 1

"Cry for her children, for they never had a chance to be normal."

The setting: Wednesday morning on welfare day. How people on welfare can afford games, I don't know. But they buy a lot. Much better than food or shelter I guess.

Remember the Far Side where the kid is at the school for the gifted and he's trying to push on the door when it's labeled pull? Well, this one kid was trying for two minutes to do the same thing at Gord's door. Oh this was going to hurt when the rest of the family showed up.

Finally the mother shows up with a second child and they enter the store. Around and around they go until they have around 8 or 9 games they want to rent and then they come up to the counter.

"Yes, I want to rent these games."

"Do you have an account here?"

"No I do not. What does it take to sign up an account?"

"A piece of government picture ID and either a credit card or a social insurance card."

She then tosses down an expired intern drivers license with no picture.

"Ma'am, that is neither government picture ID nor is it a credit card nor is it a social insurance card."

<now she starts yelling>

"If I'm pulled over in my car and I give that as ID they'll know it's me!"

"Ma'am, if you were pulled over in your car and you provide insurance papers and an intern drivers license, then yes, they'll assume that it's you. However, you are not in your car and I don't see any insurance papers. Plus it's expired. You'd be given a $100 fine for driving without a license and your vehicle towed."

"Just rent me the games!"

"You'll need an account. Perhaps a deposit can be made?"

"I'm going to take my business elsewhere where I am appreciated!"

"You do that."

"I'm going to Video Update!"

"You do that. They charge $5 a day, I charge $5 a week."

And at this time she storms out. Only she left her brilliant son behind. Then she yells at him to hurry up, and so he makes a break for the door. Only when he got there the woman decided to slam the door to make a scene and promptly slammed it into her son. Ass over tea kettle is the phrase. I'm surprised there wasn't blood everywhere, he was sent flipping.

Then she comes storming back in, grabs her kid who is now in a state of shock and drags him outside. "Man, this lady is messed" pondered Gord.

And 30 second later she comes storming back in and yelling.

"I'm going to phone the city on you!"

"For what? Oh no, I won't let someone rent games without ID?"

"I'm going to phone the police!"

"Hello? 911? The game store won't rent me any games without ID or a deposit! Arrest his ass! Now!"

"I'm going to phone the paper!"

"Here, I'll phone them and they can come down to talk to us. Maybe you'll make the front page for your sheer intellectual prowess. Will you pose for the picture?"

"I'll phone the government on you!"

(and now it gets really good. Sheer brilliance on this one).

<and Gord does this in a shocked, scared and shaking voice>

"Oh please... no. Don't do that, please. They'll shut me down! Please, I beg of you and implore you not to do that. Whatever you do, don't call the 'Bureau of Video Games and Customer Service.' I've already got my one warning, and if they get another complaint they'll shut me down... please, don't..."

"Yes, that's exactly who I am going to phone!"

"Are you sure? Look, here is their number. (Gord writes down my store phone number). Please, don't... I'll be closed down."

"You should have thought of that before you didn't rent to me!"

And she storms out... Let the waiting begin.

Some people really need to learn you never threaten to beat up two people who are both bigger than you, as they will lose.

So there was Gord sitting in his chair and socializing with some of the regulars who come to his store when in comes the young would-be thieves.

After walking around the store and coming to the conclusion that the only live stock is the games behind the counter, they come up with a brilliant plan. They'll just reach over while Gord is standing there and steal a game.

"Can I use the phone?"

"Sure."

Buddy then reaches over to use the phone on the wall, only he keeps on going over and says "hey... Fifa..." and picks up the game, puts it in his jacket, and then goes to pick up the phone.

"Well this kid is the idiot of the week I must say." thought Gord. "Does he not understand you're suppose to steal the game when I'm not looking, and you don't announce it to the world that you're stealing it?"

And in his absolute brilliance, he phones his house. Oh joy. Now Gord not only knew who he was (as the other people in the store knew him), but now the Gord had his phone # to boot.

Sadly there were other customers in the store at the time so the Gord delegated the authority of picking up the kid as he left the store to another who was of sufficient stature to close the issue. A demi-Gord if you will.

As demi-Gord approached the young thief, the thief made a break for it. The chase was on, and the Gord was not part of it. The Gord was saddened.

Eventually the substitute Gord returned with the game in hand, rather pissed at the distance he had to run and that the kid ended up grabbing a rather large stick.

No one escapes the wrath of Gord! Gord had his name, and quickly found out where this thief's locker was and what class he was in next using his vast resources.

To the high school went the Gord and the substitute Gord.

Once in the school the thief was quickly spotted and approached. He didn't see the Gord approach and was rambling on about how he stole a game and that he got away free.

"I do believe you are the one I am looking for" spoke the Gord.

"Oh fuck!" declared the thief. "You can't do anything to me! I'm in the school! You can't hurt me!" as he backed up against the lockers.

"You're right" spoke the Gord. "However, my friend here who is also in school can." Gord snapped his fingers and the demi-Gord approached the thief to begin the beating.

"Wait!" cried the thief. "Let's take this outside."

And outside they all went, for it was considerably easier to do anything out of sight of the authorities.

As the group approached the Gord's Mazda of Death, the Gord grabbed the thief by the scruff of his jacket and spoke "Get in the vehicle, we're going for a ride." (the plan was to take the thief to the local police station so that he could confess to his crimes)

Alas, the thief began screaming, crying and wet his pants. Apparently he got the idea in his head that they were going to take him out of town and gang beat him. Gord knows this as this information was relayed back to him later.

Others ran to the aid of this now crying thief on his knees screaming.

"Let him go!"

"Or what?" spoke the Gord.

"You want some of me?" suggested the thieves friend.

"Look at you. You might be intimidating to a small child. But I'm not a small child. Now shut the hell up and walk away."

And the would be savoir of the thief backed away.

At this time the principal arrived and took all involved to his office and settled the issue. Thief suspended from school, parents called, etc.

And the best part was when the thief when into hommie speak about how he could have kicked our asses and it's lucky the principal showed up to save us.

"How about you shut up or I'll leave this room for a few minutes, and when I come back I'll hear how you fell out of your chair and into the desk and floor a few times? Look at him! He's a gorilla compared to you!" the principal spoke concerning the demi-Gord.

And thus ended the "Hey, Fifa!" caper.

"Do you sell mod chips for the PlayStation?"

"The door is to your left. Try not to let it hit you on the way out."

"What?"

"I'm politely saying get the hell out."

"Do you sell mod chips?"

"Go ahead, ask me what I sell."

"What do you sell?"

"I sell video games. What a stupid question."

"What does a mod chip cost?"

"Apparently one of us isn't keeping up."

"What do you mean?"

"If I sold you a mod chip, then you would never buy a game from me ever again. And that would be very much in opposition to my being able to run a profitable business."

"I just want one to play copied games."

"What? Do I look like an idiot? What the hell did you think I thought you wanted it for?"

"err..."

"Exactly. Now look, if I were to sell you a mod chip I would lose you as a customer. Now, if I were going to lose you as a customer I'd rather do it on a high note like setting you on fire. At least then I would have some satisfaction of a job well done."

"I'm leaving!"

"But I haven't set you on fire yet!"

And now the (fictional?) tales of a video game store owner!!

=============

<Ring>

"Gamer's Edge"

"Yes, what would you give me for a copy of Madden 2001 for the PS2?"

"$25 in credit."

"I talked to some other game stores, and they said they would give me $65 to $70."

"Then I suggest you take it to them. I find giving more for a used game than what it sells for new to be a very poor business decision."

<long pause>

"Uhm... how about $50?"

"No, no, no. I insist you take your game to one of those fine stores that undoubtedly seeks your business much more than I do, as they are willing to take such a loss for your benefit. Have a good day."

<click>

Why do people try such obvious lies just to try and get more for their games? Do they believe anyone would price match such a ridiculous claim simply because of a zealotry to earn customers? Some people's children.

You should take Poison Healer, from the Fiendish Codex.
~

It seems interesting but very situational...unless there is a way to use it I do not understand......
~

Alcohol.

Explain that bit about "golems are actually weak to magic"? That's blowing my mind.
~

Most people see the words "Magic Immunity" and logically conclude that makes golems immune to magic. A reasonable conclusion. But if you actually read the definition of the ability, what it actually says is that golems are immune to all spells that allow SR, with a handful of exceptions specified. Which means it's a gigantic misnomer.

What it actually means is that golems effectively have infinite SR, with a few exceptions. Of course, SR is a joke, so even having an infinite amount of it is still a joke. Consequently you cast SR: No spells, of which there are plenty. Now check their save lines. See how terrible they are?

"Golems are weak to magic."

QED.
~

I know how SR works, I wasn't asking that. And what you say is largely technically true but I just don't see "Golems are weak to magic" as a proper conclusion to what you are saying. Being effectively immune to half the spells in the game and having "standard" resistances to the rest doesn't seem weak at all to me. I'm not saying that golems are unbeatable or should be considered the creatures MOST resistant to magic in the game but weak? Where's the weakness?
~

They have terrible saves. All of the good spells still work. What is difficult to understand?

To be good against magic they would need to have one of the following:

Immunity to ALL spells. Which is actually impossible, as even if they are immune to all direct spells you can still use spells indirectly.

High saves, not low saves.

They have neither of these things. So golems laugh at blasters a little harder than other encounters laugh at them. The competent casters do not care.
~

I think his point is that blanket immunity to a category of spells is a strict improvement from the normal situation. They aren't particularly weak to magic, except to the same extent Undead are (by virtue of shitty hit dice, which they tend to have lots of as a mitigating factor). That their immunity doesn't actually serve to PROTECT them very well doesn't mean it accomplishes the opposite.
~

Undead have good Will saves, which is half the battle. They are also outright immune to many of the good spells. This includes the same spells that Constructs are immune to, but is not limited to them. Most undead are intelligent. This makes them immune to many more shutdowns.

Seeing a golem at any level provokes the following response: "Cute, I cast Silent Image/Obscuring Mist/Glitterdust from a throwaway slot, and auto win. Now where's the nearby Wizard?"
~

Good point. Mindlessness does kinda mean "Auto-lose to illusions". I ever mention the time my party killed a Greater Siege Crab with Silent Image? Good times.

Blinding Beauty can be persisted - if you don't want to go Invisible, blind everyone looking at you instead.
~

If you're going wizard-hunting, who says you can't do both? The BBEG can't see you while you're invisible, unless he pops a see invisibility or true seeing or similar, at which point he now can't see anything at all.

[in regards to MtG]

White =/= Good

White is a certain selflessness and interest in others over the self, but that doesn't always mean good. White can be tyrannical, authoritarian and controlling, denying free will and individuality in favour of the common good.

Likewise, Black is not evil. It is simply self interest, competition, individual identity and individual supremacy.

Heck, a simple way of showing this up is that Capitalism is Black, while Communism is White. Whose the bad guy now?

Vikings you say?

Have them build longboats of pure adamantium, rowed by the strongest of the dwarves with oars made of the finest steel. On the prow of these boats is a sculpture in which there lies a portal to the elemental plane of fire, when activated, it will spew out flame to incinerate all in it's path, inculding the very earth.

These are the Dwarven tanks, their fire sculptures melting the land, paving slick roads upon which these hellish longboats can ride, spewing iron and flame and bolts at all in range, and slashing at any who get too near, as the oars double as axes, of course.
~

A giant metal fire-breathing boat which can sail anywhere because it turns everything into lava?

Are you fucking serious.

We're surrounded by gold dwarfs. Our dwarf cleric decides he wants to try and impress some of the women, AFTER consuming massive amounts of alcohol.

He rolls a 1 on his charisma check, and has a -1 penalty for charisma. He basically couldn't have done worse, but would have.

DM: "You unzip your pants, utter a few drunken slurs, and helicopter spin your flaccid penis."
~

dude, helicopter spin is like nat 20 auto-success status.

Women are powerless against the virile attraction of the choppercock

Some of them [aboleths] don't even have to eat the brain to get the knowledge. They are powerful psychics, after all. I mean, say it gets a high up official. It keeps it trapped for a few days, reading every thought and memory, then wipes it. Put it somewhere, where it's found, with a few tankards of expensive alcohol, maybe some other... stuff.

It's a nightmare. A dream. They were drunk off their ass, right?

If they remember?

"I was mind-raped by a monster fish-squid!'

Yeah. And you just happen to have some hallucinogenics, alcohol, and smell like you've been on a 3 day bender...

Huh, final note. Had a thought about Demilich-dom. If I do become a Demilich, I have to choose a single part of my Skeletal system to keep. But can a stack it?

Like, I become a disembodied skull. Alright. But of course I'm going to want more power. I'm a DEMILICH. So, could I stack on top of another Demilich? Like, if a took some chump necromancer, and held his hand all the way to Demilich-dom, could I then force him to become a spine and then dock my skull on top of that? Perhaps eventually build back up to becoming a full skeleton again?

I will have to try. For science.
~

You've just now convinced me a skeleton composed of composite demiliches would be the most powerful caster imaginable, barring unique circumstances.

A villain like that could be used to explain damn near anything quirky about the world too...

"Why is there a giant crater here?" "Lichotron"
"Who the hell built an ancient civilization in a desert?" "Lichotron"
"Where in the hell did flying great white shark swarms come from?!" "Lichotron"

I also was not allowed to use Magic Mouth as a psychological weapon.
>Singing helmets
>Moaning corpses
>Humming firewood
>Screaming coins
>Poetry jam sessions by skulls
>Whistling tunics
I was pretty much the bane of every thief and watchmen in that campaign. If my DM is reading this, I'm not sorry, but I do feel somewhat bad for putting you through that. You did put us from Eberron into Ravenloft, so you had to expect something.

My party found a group of Vampire Formians inhabiting an entire mountain. The town built in the area was being used by the formians for food and slave labour.

Formians are Horse sized ants.

We snuck in, killed the queen, created a shit ton of sleds with magic and sled the entire town down the hill.

Have you ever kicked over an Anthill? That's what was following us. Only the ants were, as mentioned, Horse sized.

I was a Psion. I was raising walls and blasting dozens to death with Energy balls, and we weren't even rolling for damage. Everytime we slowed them down a bit the DM said "That bought you X rounds, or X minutes."

The Paladin was skating down on his Horse, who I had cast Skate on, Charging through ranks of 4 and 5 at a time, the Sorcerer was blasting, the Rogue was standing on a sled, balancing, tossing magical daggers with Ravages on them.

There was a reason we were counting time instead of wounds.

We had cast a spell a few minutes before beginning our descent.

Eventually, the slope levelled too much and our sled convoy stopped. THe GM NPC character got off one last spell. End to All Strife. No enemy could attack anyone within 40 feet of a point or they'd take 20d6 and die. So they sat and waiting, us and the whole town crowded into that area.

Then our spell finally finished working. The entire Hive had turned out to murder us. over ten thousand horse sized vampire ants.

The spell?

Control Weather.

The choice of weather?

Clear Sunny Skies.

Because my Internet speed has been more-or-less crippled thanks to all the quarantined bored people YouTubing and FaceBooking instead of working, I've been reading from my >20mb "quotes.txt" archives (wherein I've spent almost 20 years collecting bits and pieces of funny, interesting, and/or insightful forum posts, page snippets, and so on). I'm currently re-reading for the several-th time a section of D&D material and imma slake my boredom while letting Linux update over a gigabyte of apps by copy-pasting here!