I think I might understand why depression can be deadly.
It started with the thought of the Spring Festival holiday ending soon and having to go back to work, which made me a little sad. Then I realized I hadn't done anything meaningful during the holiday, which made me even more unhappy.
A friend said they wanted to eat noodles (the one with soybean paste, a traditional dish from Beijing) tomorrow, but I couldn't find suitable noodles in Yunnan. The ones sold in supermarkets didn't meet my requirements, so I decided to make them myself. Since it's for tomorrow, I tried a new recipe today, attempting to extend the shelf life by reducing the dough's water content. But lower water content (33%) means the dough will be stiff. I have a Schneider mixer with a pasta attachment, but it seems like I broke it today, probably due to the stiff dough. So, it took me over five hours to make just 1 kg of raw noodles (which, if I was in Beijing, I can just bought it for like 3 USD with 15 minutes walk from my home to the store, round trip). After that, I spent another hour cleaning the kitchen.
Then I felt exhausted, and the broken mixer attachment made me feel frustrated. Just then, a thought suddenly popped into my head: I'm so tired, I don't want to live anymore. It just popped into my head so naturally that there is no alarm about it. Looking back, I think I was basically not looking forward to living. I wasn't looking forward to my friends coming home for noodles tomorrow, nor was I looking forward to resting tonight. If someone had suddenly broken into my place and said he was going to kill me, I probably would have said "ok, just do it".
Of course, soon another part of my brain started screaming that this is not correct, and only then I suddenly realized what terrible things I was just thinking about.
Well, I certainly know there is something wrong with my mental health. But I'm not daring to investigate it (for now).
I can't imagine how I'm gonna live to 50 with my mental health being totally shit.
But fuck it, I'm gonna end my 25th year on this planet on next month, then start my 26th year.
I might not do anything big and good, but I'm certainly actively enjoying myself doing shit stuff to revenge this society for bringing me here without any of my consent 25 years ago.
@skyblond@qoto.org Lots of hugs to you. And don't worry about what 'greatness' you will do. You exist, and that's enough. Nobody's got the right to demand you to do 'great things'. Nobody's asked to be born either. If you just want to putter along and have fun doing small stuff that you're interested it, by all means, go do that!
Also, go sleep well, and try to go out for a walk/ride regularly which is the best and easiest way to battle depression.
But remember, you don't have to become someone great. Just have fun so long you're not harming other people with that. The others who did become great got there by accident, so it's just RNG all along.
@trinsec Thanks. I think you're right. I'm emotionally felt better after waking up (but still feel like shit since I was sleeping at around 3AM in the last few days).
Overall I think I'm good/ok. In the last week I went home for spring festival and had to spend sometime with those people who I only met once per year. They are not all bad but most of them are just annoying. So I don't really like this holiday since I have to spend time and energy on such things.
But that's not a problem as now I have returned to my place. Recently I was reading a lot on my Kindle, mostly ranobe (Japanese light novel, don't know why it's light, but to me, still books). I like what I read, I like how the character grows and eventually reaches their happy ending. But then I start thinking the life, how one should live in the world, then thinking about myself. Usually this is the most trouble making part, and I figured out that I don't know what I'm going to live. I have no plan, no goals, just doing random things at will when I have the time, passion and the energy.
I know this, since that's how I have been living in the past 3 or 5 years. But recently I somehow just realized I'm growing (yeah, don't know why I'm keeping ignoring this). I'm no longer 18, and I will be 60 or even 80 in the future. I can't do things for 80 when I was 18, and I can't also do things for 18 when I'm 80. As I was reading those stories, those characters are making choices at the right timing, since I'm the reader, I know they are doing right or wrong things. But irl, you can never tell if a decision is good or bad. It feels like you're walking on solid ground, but then realize you're actually walking on a tightrope high above ground with no safe belt.
So, with all those above stuck in my head, with the tiredness, I think that's why. But I'm still surprised /scared by the thought of not keeping living. This feels so natural that it doesn't trigger any alarm. For example, if I'm about to kill someone on the street, my instinct will tell me this is wrong. Luckily, a moment later I realize this is not correct, but now I think I understand why depression will make people suicide.
I guess that's something new to know? :)
