It’s exhausting. There is so much I would like to share but the silence seems greater than my energy to organise anything meaningful.
When I meltdown because of a sound, sight or texture of clothes on my skin, those that witness it chalk it up to anxiety. It’s invalidating. I don’t feel seen or heard.
My voice is extremely soft, a lot of the time words come out in whispers. All I knew was that I didn’t have the energy to assert my voice any louder so I could be heard properly. Speaking saps my energy unless it’s something I’m super interested in.
Even typing this now is draining, but there’s so much I want to share. I just don’t have the spoons. It’s to the point where I give up and withdraw most of my days.
It’s the #actuallyautistic community on masto that made me realise I don’t need a dx. I know my mind and body better than anyone else. I know how I suffer with sensory overloads and an entire host of other things.
Even my psychiatrist told me it’s just my anxiety but since being on here I have an even better idea of how much medical gatekeeping goes on for adults with autism. I want to be seen and accepted. Thank you to all of you that have unknowingly helped me achieve that.
I’ve long held the idea that I’m autistic but it’s like nobody I talk to about it believes me because I hide a lot of things I’m affected by until I just can’t.
#actuallyautistic