@OpenComputeDesign
Sounds a bit cliché, but.... who hurt you? Who, specifically, needs justice to be applied to them?

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @chestycougth

Well, speaking generally, the world is absolutely overflowing with injustice. Speaking personally, me. I am injust

@OpenComputeDesign
That is illogical. If you were truely injust, you would welcome the injustice.

What exactly are you doing that you judge to be wrong, and what factors are contributing to this ongoing injustice emenating from you?

No thought crimes here. I am asking about doing, not thinking.

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @chestycougth

It's not exactly what I do, but what I _would_ do if I relaxed the prison of my mind that keeps me this way

@OpenComputeDesign
Isn't that a bit black and white? Would you really wreck havoc if you relaxed? Are you sure, or just afraid and beating yourself up because you are not sure?

Not being alone with anyone vulnerable might be enough to provide safety in terms of not doing anything wrong, do you really need to beat yourself up to stop harm?

@admitsWrongIfProven

Yes, I think so. I do not think I can be trusted to any significant degree

@OpenComputeDesign I never said that you should be trusted... look at my toot again, will you? I'm not alone with vulnerable people either, who needs that kind of responsibility?

@admitsWrongIfProven

The problem is, what I want in life requires that I bet trusted with vulnerable people

@OpenComputeDesign Ofc, you want to care, i got that much.
Whatever happened to you was probably not planned or even thought about. You are the next iteration, thinking, caring.

Can you accept that while not perfect, you are trying?

@OpenComputeDesign Generally... did you notice people stop caring in this general hellhole western civilization has become?
I think still caring and trying is a special thing.

@admitsWrongIfProven

trying is not good enough. I have to be perfect

@OpenComputeDesign So you do trial runs in controlled conditions. Have you never heard of engineering or are you so poisoned by current society that you would not consider a rational approach?

@admitsWrongIfProven I don't have this option

@OpenComputeDesign Then it is not your fault.

@OpenComputeDesign I mean this was the point all along. If i thought it was, i would not have talked to you. There are a lot of people out there harming others, i may scream at them but i do not talk to them.

Good decision to not put anyone at risk, you are doing well. I'm sorry you are suffering, but you are not harming anyone, that's good. Take pride in that, there are sadly too many that do not do that.

@admitsWrongIfProven
Thank you

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven Medication might be good for you. I'm on fluoxetine. I took it for a few years and felt like I was getting no benefit. I stopped and still felt the same, but then I was getting more and more emotional and unable to concentrate and my grades went from 90-100% to 60-50%. I started back after that and I've been much calmer and happier. We are just chemistry after all.

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

I can't trust medication. Even if it works, it's fickle, and may not always be available

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven You can always try it and drop it if it doesn't work. I've had an on again-off again relationship with meds for years but it is worth trying because you won't have to stick to it if you don't like it

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

the problem is if it _does_ work

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But if you don't try it then it definitely won't work. So you might as well try it and get half a chance of it working instead of not taking anything and having 0% chance of things getting better

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

If it works, I'll become dependent on it, and that is dangerous

@OpenComputeDesign Yep, dependency is to be taken seriously and not just be accpeted by default.

@OpenComputeDesign
Heh, funny. The music i am currently listening to just contained "meine gefühle werden abgestellt", translated "my feelings are turned off".
Pertinent?

@chestycougth

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven It has laws, i.e. physical laws, but justice is a human concept. A concept created to help manage law and order among humans. Justice is not a natural law. Pain exists as something universal to probably all conscious life, but happiness has the same privilege.
There will always be things that to a humans conception of things are 'unjust', but that's just not understanding that 'justice' is not a natural law as mentioned above

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

Yes, the universe does not care how much things suffer. Fairness is not only not a universal law, it's not even possible.

I absolutely do not want to live in a universe that isn't fair

@OpenComputeDesign
Well, i can agree on the not wanting to, i was not asked if i wanted to either.
It seems to me you are discounting how much things can change depending on small circumstances. People being nice versus people sticking needles in you constantly would make a difference, right?

That the universe does not enforce fairness or justice is one thing, but what are the people around you doing?

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @chestycougth

The people around me are actually very supportive right now, unfortunately for them. If they were not, I would probably be dead already.

The problem really is me. I do not like the person I am.

@OpenComputeDesign
You do understand that while you can change some parts about who you are, a lot is coming from your past, and that you are not solely responsible for who you are?

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @chestycougth

It doesn't really matter to me if I'm responsible for being this way or not. I _am_ this way, and that is unacceptable to me

@OpenComputeDesign Dude, if you don't factor in outside influence, you're a puppet.
I'm all for being rational, but do it right, ffs.

Justice is not suffering for someone else. Justice is placing blame where it needs to be. Otherwise, you are just a support for the villain.

@admitsWrongIfProven

I may have been hurt in such a way as to make me dangerous, I'm not sure. But I _am_ dangerous now

@OpenComputeDesign And you accept the responsibility. Sounds good?

What about this: I'm sorry to hear you have to do so much to just not fuck up, that's an unfair burden to place on you. But i'm proud of you for bearing it.

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven It's totally possible to live in an unfair universe. Take your slice of life, look out for yourself but then just look out for others when you can which it sounds like you're doing already. 'fairness' is just a concept that emerges when agents are looking out for their own competing interests but mutual cooperation emerges as a biological imperative. That's one way to look at it anyway. But it's happier to look at it as us all helping each other

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

I simply do not see that there is enough good in the world to outweigh the bad

@OpenComputeDesign
Yeah, same. But ending one's life is awfully tedious and brings harm too, so i guess evasion beats the hammer of justice here?

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @OpenComputeDesign and it would be horrible for your family and friends to deal with @opencomputerdesigns and considering you said you care about justice it would be an extremely unethical thing to do if you still believe that

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven Yes, I know it would be unjust to kill myself. That's the only reason I'm still here

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven have you ever seen a doctor about how you feel? You can DM me on WhatsApp or signal if you prefer. I'll write in my email so you can contact me with your number/DM details if you want

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

No, I don't trust them, and can't anyway

@OpenComputeDesign
Finding someone who is not only qualified on paper but actually a decent person is hard in general. I heard about that from people i know seeking therapy. I can see that this would be hard when you live in an area where there are like three people on every 100 square kilometers.

@chestycougth

@admitsWrongIfProven @OpenComputeDesign I don't disagree. I've had a few psychiatrists and I've had some proper arseholes but then I've had a few that were pretty good. They often made medication decisions that were frustrating to say the least but often they were right and overall I would have been worse off without the medication they prescribed. And they will listen to your medication preferences if you give their choices an honest go and you are vocal about what you think works for you

@chestycougth @admitsWrongIfProven

read, can delete now

@OpenComputeDesign @admitsWrongIfProven can you email me there just to confirm? Probably won't be able to reply in depth tonight since I'm in UK time zone and it's currently 4am here. But I would like to chat with you more if you're up for it?