Now that my lifespan is no longer open-ended and undefined, I've spent some time trying to decide between two approaches as to the best use of my remaining time. One, which I did fall into for a few weeks, was to rush! rush! hurry! to try to pack in as much living as possible. As you're probably smarter than me, you've likely already guessed that this is not really a great approach. It's like skimming over waves rather than comfortably floating on my back and watching the clouds.
I'm now doing just the opposite-- taking time to appreciate each everyday event as it comes up by itself. I'm deliberately using little tricks to slow myself down, like:
1. Wearing cowboy boots. As my sense of balance has been a bit impaired by the now-burned-up brain tumor, and was already damaged by the chemo, this forces me to walk deliberately and carefully. "Walking like I mean it," as a friend describes it. 😉
2. Switching to using fountain pens. Now I write more slowly and carefully, as it's hard to just scribble something quickly with such a pen. There's also the little mini-ritual of uncapping the pen and lining up the cap "just so" to position it symmetrically. I'm surprised at how much better this has caused my note-taking to be. (Though I do do a lot of typing, I have a couple of topics I'm researching for enjoyment and tend to prefer written notes to typed as I read and study.)
Should anyone have any suggestions for more little speed bumps like these, I'd be glad to hear them!
@hasmis
😃 Thanks, that made me laugh in recognition. I sure as hell don't worry about cholesterol any more. 😉 If I want some sausage gravy, why, I just have some sausage gravy.
Thanks for the kind thoughts!
@AndyLowry Write as many of these thoughts down as you can. Publish them somehow. It will help someone else to not feel alone. Thank you, Andy.
@vickyveritas
I was really hesitant to say anything about the whole thing publicly, because it's something people would just as soon not think about, in the main, and I was concerned that it might be a little rude to bring the topic up out of the blue. But I think you're right, talking about it absolutely has a lot of value to me, and if someone else can get some meaning out of it, then it's something I should be doing, morally-wise-speaking. 😉 Still considering whether a content warning would be best or not.
Thanks for your continued kindness and thoughtful support. This Mastodon thing is amazing because it's made of a whole bunch of people like you. I can't imagine these sorts of conversations happening anywhere else. Pretty sure I would have already gotten hundreds of posts about how I should just kill myself or something at that other site I don't go to anymore.
@AndyLowry I loved Oliver Sacks book, “Gratitude” Much of what you are writing is reflected there. I think these ideas resonate with people as mortality is universal. Thank you for sharing and your kind remarks. You are in my thoughts.
@AndyLowry Also, I remember too deeply my father’s passing. He was a stoic. We never talked about it on a meaningful level. He did tell his family, until nearly the end. As much as I love him, that model is not what I would give to my children, to my friends, to my family. I think you have it right. You will be in my thoughts.
@vickyveritas
Thanks again! That's a useful observation which helps me think about things.
@vickyveritas
I've read a lot of Sacks but somehow was ignorant of that title. Thanks for the pointer. I will track that one down immediately; his writing is hard to beat-- the kind of writer I'll read even if the specific topic isn't something I'm all that interested in. 😉
Gratitude has been a big theme with me lately. Might sound odd to say, but I am very, very lucky in many ways both practical and otherwise and would not trade my current "spiritual" (always been a little iffy about that word as it's so vague) state for more years of life if that deal were offered. All manner of amazing things are just happening by themselves and I'm a bit boggled, though thankful, to be here to watch it happen without my actually doing anything to cause it.
@AndyLowry I hope you have a nice journey. My friend, at 86, chose the Canadian way. He had a nice party with friends, drank wine, and ate his favourite cheeses which always plugged him up. He didn't care. :)