@admitsWrongIfProven I'm afraid, I must confess, it is my greatest sorrow that I am guilty of this :(
🅰️ ®️ ✝️ U
@OpenComputeDesign Sorry, i was imprecise and lost in thought that i neglected to explain.
Please do check if any signs of affection you give are welcome, though.
@admitsWrongIfProven Don't be sorry. I have absolutely screwed up and caused damage. And I definitely deserve consequences.
I am ignorant in ways I don't know how to fix, but even so it is my own fault.
@OpenComputeDesign Is it still possible to ask about what you did wrong and learn from it? The willingness to do better is a good first step, and admitting wrong should help too.
@admitsWrongIfProven Oh boy, where do I start... (I'm a very problematic individual)
Around the time my little sister started puberty, I realized I wasn't gonna have her in my life forever before she'd go off to do her own thing. So I started showering her in all the affection I could. (At this point, it wasn't unwanted yet, although that doesn't mean it was a good idea or well executed as I'll get to)
Turns out, the socially incompetent person I am, I might have been going too far..
(cont)
@admitsWrongIfProven Because our parents started having private conversations with her about me and my behaviour. And after a while, banned us from spending too much time together, being alone together, sitting together, etc.
At this point I spend the next several years trying to secretly sneak time with her, ignorant of the fact she was, and becoming increasingly more so, traumatized of affection.
At this point I should also mention I have a long history of instability and depression
(cont)
@OpenComputeDesign While it does seem to fit what i initially meant pretty well, i wonder about your parents role in this.
They seem a little overwhelmed with the situation, probably didn't help much? The "keep apart" instead of "talk things over" sounds bad.
@admitsWrongIfProven Well, my little sister despises our parents. She hates our other brother and sister, too. I'm the only one she does still love. And she wishes I'd get it into my stupid head that I'm not the worst person ever.
I just can't reconsile within myself my horrid part in all of it.
And given my behaviour is clearly not normal, I hope she doesn't think that's the way people are supposed to act.
@OpenComputeDesign Sounds like you can do a lot better if you manage to listen?
If she still wants contact and wants you to not feel bad, it seems reasonable boundaries (like her telling you if anything is too much) should be possible to achieve.
Can you maybe see how you might be more than just one thing at a time? The guy that messed up, but also the guy that now invests energy into doing better?
The way you explain, it seems like you are now all adults, but it started way early. Is that right? You might want to ask yourself for whatever age this problem started, could you have been fully responsible? Would you judge a stranger of that age in the same situation?
If your sister doesn't want you to beat yourself up and also despises your parents, it sounds extremely likely that there is more than just your personal responsibility going on.
@admitsWrongIfProven She despises them, I think, because they are just incompatible people
@OpenComputeDesign Do you think there might be aspects of this whole mess you don't want to look at and thus ignore / explain away?
@admitsWrongIfProven Probably. I have a tendency to try to oversimplify the world to make it seem less bad. But there's so much bad in the world the simplest thing for me to do is blame it all on myself so at least I feel like I can do something about it.
@admitsWrongIfProven At the moment I'm 22 and she's 17. And this happened when I was 18 and she was 13.
I've tried a lot to be better and do better. But I always fall down again. At this point I feel I've already had too many chances, and no longer deserve another chance at redemption. My problems are all intrinsic to me, and there's no escaping them. Maybe I'll be better for a while. Even months. But sooner or later I'm bound to fall down again. And people always got hurt when I do.
@admitsWrongIfProven I should have mentioned before now that I have driven other people to depression trying to help me.
I really just wish I'd shut myself away from everyone else until everyone forgot about me and I could finally die. But my stupid selfish ass gets bored and inevitably tries to do things again, and I end up talking to people online again. And I end up talking to my little sister again, and inevitably I hurt her again.
@OpenComputeDesign Driven other people to depression? Are you talking about mental health professionals?
@admitsWrongIfProven No, I mean like other people like you online.
I've actually gotten kicked out of a few forums for being too depressing.
@OpenComputeDesign That's not driving someone to depression, way to overstate. That's just someone not wanting to help anymore, it happens.
@admitsWrongIfProven No, some people were seriously pretty distraught.
@OpenComputeDesign Eh, someone depressed would probably not look at the forum for a while and then say something that is too much.
Being depressed is not the same as being pretty distraught. How would you feel if i said you were just pretty distraught?
Please do try to find someone competent to help. I've seen people with similar ways of thinking, and talking to me might feel nice (or not, depending on how feisty i feel) but i'm not acutally qualified.
That doesn't mean i won't talk to you, but don't see it as a substitute for therapy. I'm just some dude that likes to talk about something more than just the weather.
@admitsWrongIfProven I probably never will go to therapy.
But either way, thank you for taking the time to talk to me
@OpenComputeDesign Gladly, it was interesting talking to you.
@OpenComputeDesign How many chances for redemption someone gets is always the decision of the wronged person.
I don't even need to know what the problematic behaviour is, i don't get a say, and you don't get a say. It's for her to say.
@OpenComputeDesign I wonder if she despises your parents because of something they did to you?