@admitsWrongIfProven I'm afraid, I must confess, it is my greatest sorrow that I am guilty of this :(

@OpenComputeDesign Sorry, i was imprecise and lost in thought that i neglected to explain.
Please do check if any signs of affection you give are welcome, though.

@admitsWrongIfProven Don't be sorry. I have absolutely screwed up and caused damage. And I definitely deserve consequences.

I am ignorant in ways I don't know how to fix, but even so it is my own fault.

@OpenComputeDesign Is it still possible to ask about what you did wrong and learn from it? The willingness to do better is a good first step, and admitting wrong should help too.

@admitsWrongIfProven Oh boy, where do I start... (I'm a very problematic individual)

Around the time my little sister started puberty, I realized I wasn't gonna have her in my life forever before she'd go off to do her own thing. So I started showering her in all the affection I could. (At this point, it wasn't unwanted yet, although that doesn't mean it was a good idea or well executed as I'll get to)

Turns out, the socially incompetent person I am, I might have been going too far..

(cont)

@admitsWrongIfProven Because our parents started having private conversations with her about me and my behaviour. And after a while, banned us from spending too much time together, being alone together, sitting together, etc.

At this point I spend the next several years trying to secretly sneak time with her, ignorant of the fact she was, and becoming increasingly more so, traumatized of affection.

At this point I should also mention I have a long history of instability and depression

(cont)

@OpenComputeDesign While it does seem to fit what i initially meant pretty well, i wonder about your parents role in this.
They seem a little overwhelmed with the situation, probably didn't help much? The "keep apart" instead of "talk things over" sounds bad.

@admitsWrongIfProven Well, my little sister despises our parents. She hates our other brother and sister, too. I'm the only one she does still love. And she wishes I'd get it into my stupid head that I'm not the worst person ever.

I just can't reconsile within myself my horrid part in all of it.

And given my behaviour is clearly not normal, I hope she doesn't think that's the way people are supposed to act.

@OpenComputeDesign Sounds like you can do a lot better if you manage to listen?

If she still wants contact and wants you to not feel bad, it seems reasonable boundaries (like her telling you if anything is too much) should be possible to achieve.

Can you maybe see how you might be more than just one thing at a time? The guy that messed up, but also the guy that now invests energy into doing better?

The way you explain, it seems like you are now all adults, but it started way early. Is that right? You might want to ask yourself for whatever age this problem started, could you have been fully responsible? Would you judge a stranger of that age in the same situation?

If your sister doesn't want you to beat yourself up and also despises your parents, it sounds extremely likely that there is more than just your personal responsibility going on.

@OpenComputeDesign I wonder if she despises your parents because of something they did to you?