Attention to white dudes under the age of 50 who have chosen "mustache" as your facial hair:

You're not Tom Selleck. This isn't the '70s. You're not a porno actor. Please either grow a beard or shave the mustache so you can re-enter the dating pool. You can try the mustache again when you're older and you've earned it. Thanks.

[rant followed by incoherent muttering about hipsters wastefully bringing down the sexiness average for an entire generation]