I find myself at the moment re-evaluating an awful lot of things about my life. It's like my teenage years all over again, although without the raging hormones and acne. In that I am overwhelmed at times with trying to work out how I fit into the world, how things work, how I can and should exist. Just like back then, it all feels like it's almost too much to deal with and that there is barely any guidance to help me with it. In other words, that I'm pretty much as confused and bewildered as I was in my teenage years.
This may seem strange to say for someone of my age. More often than not, we're supposed to have worked all this shit out long ago and be cruising through life now on autopilot, ingrained ignorance and privilege. But, being autistic and especially realising so very late that I was autistic, hasn't so much changed that, as allowed me to finally see that this was where I had always stood.
It's just that for so long I had buried that and tried to conform to the godawful "tyranny of should". Or, if not entirely conform, then at least to appear to, or try to. It's not as if society ever gave me many options for most of my life. It's hard, I think, in this digital age, to realise how encompassing the "should's" were back then. The information we had on how to exist within the world, the expectations of how we were supposed to be, even how far we could stretch, or challenge those expectations, were so much narrower and more defined. There just wasn't the vast world of knowledge out there, like there is now, on how different ways could even exist, let alone look like.
There certainly wasn't anything on how someone like me, an apparently functional, (if only they'd known how much of that was bullshit) intelligent, autistic (if only I had known) person was supposed to adult, or even learn how to adult. How I could develop myself, how I could shape my life to become a better version of myself, not a broken and piss-poor shadow of them, but an expression of my true strengths and gifts, a true path to maturity. It didn't exist. It's only just beginning to exist now.
Hence, why I feel like I'm back in my teenage years. With more knowledge and understanding, certainly, but with so many of the same questions. How do I exist, how do I function, what's important, what's not important. What sort of life do I want? How am I supposed to make my way in this world. But, now it's not about belonging and being a part of the world as a whole. But in fact it's more despite the world and the ways of all those who still only ever see the "should". It's about how do I learn what I should have learnt so long ago? All those things that allow me to function, to exist in the ways that best suit me. Because so much of my life is still based on the "should", whether I know it or not. And, as I'm slowly beginning to realise and learn, there are so many ways of doing things that are far better than that. That will work for me and not against me, if only I can find and embrace them.
@pathfinder @actuallyautistic
#MeToo (in the context of what you wrote)
So much resonates, and typically the best thing is to stick together and talk more, but many can't deal with the mass and speed... but if you can then my offer is to talk and work our way out of it.
Luckily if around nature and having gardening type things it's really helped BUT I want to help us all as nature is also reducing so finding people who...
... A/ can write how you feel
... B/ can say it so well
... gives me hope in the overall scope that we CAN make something out of it ourself if we can allow the amount of mass and perhaps stress that goes with talking (and healing).
Look forward to all people in reply and I will personally respond unlike others online not willing to put themselves on the line or deal with more 'stress' (conversation) accepting there's no perfect way but keep trying with only ourselves and those others that allow conversation.
I write long so this is in short for now... let's keep busy
