Finished this colored pencil self-portrait last night. It took 3 days of drawing all day. I'm really proud of it :) Drawing really helps my brain when it is not in the best place. One reason I enjoy drawing colorful artworks because it is one way that I can still see and bring color to the world when the rest of my thoughts and emotions are dull and gray. You are not alone.

Here to say thay last night my molecule helped me realize the purpose for my life.
It is to give the world hope. Through sharing things like art, knowledge, kindness, stories, ideas, and experiences. Hope is one of the most powerful motivators for positive change in the world. It's just so clear, it's always been part of what I believe in. It was something I always valued deep down but never recognized as being the common motivator for all of what I did. Even songs and stories I wrote as a kid had the theme of not giving up. I want to show that impossible things are possible. You don't have to be perfect to do amazing things. You don't have to do amazing things to have life still be meaningful. You don't have to follow a straight path. You don't have to be enlightened or achieve things instantly.

This realization by the way happened after around 3 hours straight of probably the most awful terrifying anxiety-filled, sick to my stomach, dull gray depressing, feeling like I was trapped, couldn't breathe, dying, convinced I screwed up my brain forever, just waiting for it to be over, awful experience, and it took me realizing that hope was what got me and others through so many difficult times in my life like this that it turned around and I was able to realize it as a purpose I could have for my life. And I cried and I knew and it became so beautiful and clear to me.

Instead of thinking that love, happiness, and those emotions and experiences are less meaningful or less "real" just because they're caused by molecules, think about how amazing those molecules must be to be able to cause them.

Did an experiment. I was able to go an hour without having an ocd thought, I finally briefly felt like myself again, and all the molecules I loved over my life came up to me and told me thank you.

Also there was no punishment for me being an imperfect person with dark thoughts and an imperfect mindset. It was all forgiven and I was accepted unconditionally.

No scary "face your inner demons & the harsh truth," I literally became friends with mine and we danced together.

I love molecules. Especially this one.

This is a capsule containing ground up Syrian rue seeds. They contain fluorescent harmala alkaloids and thus they glow like stars under UV light!

Happy birthday today to my art and molecule friend who kindly provided the inspiration for these drawings!

My face looks like a galaxy under a black light! (from eating fluorescent harmala alkaloids)

Super tempted to someday bring a black light to the Amazon Rainforest and see if anyone there also has glowing skin dots under UV light. Having the harmalas living and glowing right there in my skin makes me feel magical!

Despite me doing more modern day experimenting/investigating for science and enjoyment at home on my own without following any special traditions, the molecules themselves have still been very kind, loving, helpful, and accepting even with my unique path and viewpoints. It is very important to be kind and respectful to the molecules and their users, and they will be greatly appreciative of it. Though the molecules seem to also say that you are also allowed to have your own unique personal relationships/experiences with them too in whatever way they happen to come into your life.

I would rather live with some of the pain, difficulty, & imperfection of a not fully medicated mental illness and still have the capacity to have some of the beautiful incredible experiences a human can have than be forced to downregulate my serotonin receptors and give that up.

I believe everyone deserves the right to incredible experiences. Nobody should be locked out solely because their brain requires serotonin meds to be of a stable mindset. That's my situation. No other treatment has worked. Which is why I'm on a quest to find a new one myself.

I vote in favor of science and being kind to people

The human who runs this account supposedly has ocd. Nothing (not ERP therapy, not TMS, not other drugs) has helped ocd except the drug clomipramine, but I refuse to accept that I have to take a 5-ht2a downregulator for the rest of my life and thereby give up the most extraordinary experiences a human being can have. I may not be doing "official" research with my self-experimenting with harmalas but I have an MD and I'm a mega pharmacology nerd and I don't give up. Something has to work. I will find it.

One of the "trends" in mental health is just accepting your illness or learning to be okay with how things are as if that's the only answer. But people are motivated to make discoveries and change their lives and the world because they are UNWILLING to just accept things as they are. Everyone should be allowed to have amazing experiences.

If harmalas weren't maois that would be dangerous if mixed with other drugs, it would be awesome to bring to raves and have glowing harmala drinks. Literally just a few crumbs of harmalas + purple gatorade makes this sick glowing gatorade!

My sweat now glows under a black light since I've been eating harmalas which are fluorescent! It's cool to be able to actually see drug excretion in sweat.

If all experiences were easy, you would never realize the power you have to grow and learn even from difficult ones.

This is a colored pencil drawing I made, I tried putting it through a mirror filter and it looked really cool so I have to share!

Made this painting, it portrays dancing along the fabric of space-time with freedom and grace, seeing every possible past, present, and future moment and experience around you all at once, expanding outward into infinity, while also embracing the single ever-changing moment in time where you are.
(and cool colors because I love painting with rainbows)

For this painting, I wanted to paint "just to paint" with no set plan in mind other than color experimentation and this is what it became. The way the colors and values came together reminded me of space and I really like how it turned out :)

Sometimes admitting you don’t know or you can’t know shows a more accurate understanding of the universe than thinking you do.

Show more
Qoto Mastodon

QOTO: Question Others to Teach Ourselves
An inclusive, Academic Freedom, instance
All cultures welcome.
Hate speech and harassment strictly forbidden.