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The vile and toxic shit I've been dealing with from outtside of QOTO has put my stress levels to a point I've never expiernced before... It is effectively my health both mental and physical. I am having trouble sleeping, and is very quickly moving from anxiety to depression to a point where it is very dangerous for my health..
My blood pressure is so high right now it would be enough to get me admitted to the emergency room alone.
The really messed up part is if all these lies and toxicity wind up killing me these people are so horrible they would probably dance on my grave....
Frankly im not sure where to go from here. But I do want to say thank you foe the overwhelming support from so many of you, it helps.
@obi Alcohol just makes me feel sick.. i tried that yesterday... plus im not surei have liquor hard enough for this.
@freemo I don't have context for what you're describing, but if your BP is that high, you really should seek medical treatment. And maybe take a break from social media for a day or three. Even if the site struggles or crashes without your attention, we'll be fine. Please take care of yourself!
@IAmErik It comes at a very bad time, im in a foreign country with no doctor and noa ccess to my blood pressure medication... I have been on a half dose and took my lastt dose today.
Probably.. and also the place where they wont give you health insurance if you have high blood pressure and where doctors only see patients with health insurance unless you go to some private doctor who charges a fortune and is barely qualified.... its a shit show here, worse than america.
@freemo @IAmErik Hey Freemo, I want to say
a) I really appreciate all the work you do (and the fact that you put up with me for so long 😅)
and
b) I have a suggestion for managing your blood pressure sans medication that worked great for my mom and my aunts, if you're interested. It's based on current mechanistic literature and focuses on reducing blood levels of uric acid, which is one of the major contributors to increased blood pressure, even more than sodium IIRC.
Here's a potential paper of interest (quite a few more are easily searchable), and I can PM you a protocol that might help tide you over until you can get access to your meds again. It had my mom/aunts down to half doses and then no doses fairly quickly, but I can't comment on how well you would fair when you're so stressed, and of course I'm no GP, just an ex-biochemist. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32179896/
Regardless, best of luck, I'll pray for you.
@freemo Maybe step away for a bit? We love having you here but if you need a break, you need a break.
@mkb Unfortunately the drama is already getting to our other moderators as well, they wont be going anywhere but they will likely be disengaging for ttheir own health as well.. so not only is it on my shoulders now, but itt means i have to deal with all the load to help alleviate them.
@freemo Hey man I'm going to have a lot of bandwidth to deal with routine mod stuff the next few days. If you need me to focus on anything in particular just point me in the right direction. Hope you start feeling a bit more upbeat and feel free to reach out anytime!
@khird anything you can do to take the stress of my shoulders can help... im reaching a break down point with this drama...
Also i am editing our ToC ill get your input soon but im certain youll like it.
@freemo I plan to take care of most of the outstanding reports, and I should have time to catch up on the spammer deletion (interestingly, as Twitter migrants have increased, spammers have decreased in both relative and absolute terms). I don't really know what other loads you're shouldering at the moment but you might have better ideas than I for how to help - if there's a specific way I can, please don't hesitate to let me know.
I look forward to seeing your proposed changes but I think you already have done quite a good job on the instance policies!
@khird I think thats most of what matters... my see my recent posts on my timeline to get a sense of what im dealing witth... im cracking man.
@freemo Take it easy for a few days then my man! You have safe hands in Trinsec (and in me too, I shall endeavour to prove) to leave the site in for a bit while you catch your breath, so to speak.
If you have the opportunity for a road trip, there's the [Bahá'í Gardens](https://ganbahai.org.il/) in the north of the country which are quite peaceful and might be a help to your frame of mind. Please do take care of yourself.
@khird thanks I appreciate it... sadly trinsec is a bit overwhelmed by the drama lately too so im not sure how active he will be for the next day or two.. we will see how he feels tomorrow.
@freemo Ooof, that sucks.
I don’t know if it is helpful, but sometimes when Reddit toxicity has a long flare-up I spend less time evaluating and start handing out bans more aggressively.
It’s mostly a time/sanity preserving me but it actually seems to result in drama dying down not long after I start. (It’s hard to know what’s actually causal, of course.)
Anyway, I still encourage you to set what boundaries you can for your own well-being.
@freemo Spitballing a few ideas…
Maybe work out a rotation with other mods? Work with other to recruit more? Let problems go for a bit? Cap your hours? Stop federating for a while? Put the whole instance on timeout?
Sorry if I should just be listening and not jumping to solutions.
@mkb yea ill talk to them...
@freemo I'm so sorry man. It's not your fault. The idea of what qoto is just got engrained and no one is willing to listen. It's bullshit. I am just too tired on my own to deal with it on my end. I've been a frontline worker in the COVID mess since it started and now with the flu. I'm just exhausted all the time. I just want to post. 💕 All my vibes with you.
@warkittens No one should be obligated to deal with this drama or any other, no matter how unfounded it is... your good, your move is a symptom and not the problem.. dont feel a lick of guilt over it please, I wouldnt want that.
@freemo I don't exactly know what's happening with you, but please direct all your resources to get on your feet, improve your mental and physical health. Don't be ashamed to ask for help and go to a psychologist. I've been spiraling down recently because my brain couldn't process the events that were unfolding in the world. A psychologist will not make the problems go away, but they will give you the tools to stabilize your head. You are a good person, don't give up.
@biomedmax I have no problem seeing a psychologist... though im not sure its that simple.. I have to deal with highly stressful shitt and have limited opttions to disengage.
@freemo
Do not waste your time on people who are talking about compassion, but when it is needed from them just laugh in your face making comfy excuses why you doesn't deserve it.
You're making much more for this world and this network than they.
@skobkin thank you
@freemo Well, you are doing great work supporting open source and the fediverse by running Qoto. Hope the other stuff works itself out.
@freemo I’d like to say “thank you” for being a bastion of reason in what seems to be a ceaseless flood of toxic irrationality and egotism.
@nullifidian thanks for that.
@freemo
Over the years i learned not to care what a lot of people think of me(sadly, it doesnt always work). Clearly all of this drama is affecting you and sadly i cant offer anything more then yet another online friend to talk to, but i hope the mastodon directory will be resolved and if people want to block QOTO, their bloody loss. Hope you sleep well, and maybe try talking a stroll or something
@RustyStriker i dont care what people think of me, so much as I care about the consequences to me and my users.
@freemo
All i can say here is, QOTO SHALL PREVAIL
(And if this instance going doing, it wont, that will be a sad day to the fediverse)
@freemo Sorry to hear that. I saw a toot go by on federated, that said that some moderator on the social instance (I think) was being stressed out dealing with people who filed complaints about posts rather than just blocking them. What you are experiencing might be some other instances overreaction to their own stressors. I hope that you can take some deep calming breaths and wait until the dust settles. Us new happy people will remain and look forward to time to get acquainted with the elders here.
@Gaythia that was stux yea...
@freemo I don't know anything about the context here so I just want to say thanks for running QOTO. No shame in needing a break sometimes.
@freemo that sounds really horrible. I’m really sorry this is happening to you and thank you for all the effort. Please look after your mental health 🙏
@gpowerf thank you
@freemo I hope it gets better for you.
My people know what it's like. I haven't been harassed super badly but plenty of friends have.
@Zest Thank you.
@freemo I've only been here a few days but very much appreciate the value of the work you are doing. Be sure to look after yourself as well however you can.
@freemo
The world is so often unkind. I hope you find peace and joy somehow.
@smartgeekette I appreciate this.
@freemo I am also here for you mate! ❤️ 
Don't let it drive you crazy!
There are always people who want to decide the rules for you on the instance you host.. In the past I broke often for this but nowadays I stand behind my rules/vision I have set for this community and if people don't like it or agree they can always move to another instance! 💪
I refuse to pay blood sweat and tears to let someone else dictate how I should run my server
@freemo People call me a little dictator on Twitter but hey... 
Fuck them!
It's sooo very easy for trolls to bitch about anything without offering a solution or alternative
Kinda the lost part of hoomanity, always complaining and bitchigng about everything without any positive feed into the mix..
@stux I appreciate these words :)
@freemo your house, your rules!
@freemo Keep cool. You have my support and many others who appreciate all your hard work.
@iankenway thank you
I haven't been here long enough to know whether I should nod in agreement with you or throw out my ideas, but it seems like everyone here is quite happy to have your back.
As someone who went cold turkey years back on trying to moderate anything online I know where you're coming from and the solutions aren't always obvious, but please speak up if there's anything that can be done.
@freemo take care of yourself. Don’t let the jerks get to you. I haven’t been on in a day or two, must have missed something really aggravating.
@freemo sounds super stressful. I hope you don’t mind me leaving some advice here. The people we are mingling most with have a huge effect on our mental and physical well-being. If you can distance yourself from them it’s the best you can do. A lot of us are sleep-deprived and sleep deprivation has a massive influence on our physical and mental health. There are books out there I highly recommend. “Stolen Focus”, “Why We Sleep” and I highly recommend the Body Scan mediation by Jon Kabat-Zinn.
@TheQueensMindset All good advice.. though in my case unfortunately as an admin, i cantt distance myself from accusations against me and the server as easily as I'd like.. it has consequences.
@freemo I’m so sorry to hear that. Whatever the worst that can happen? It’s horrible when people try to accuse us of things we haven’t done.
@freemo Choose not to worry about things not in your control. Choose also not to worry about the things that are in your control.
I know, easier said than done. Good luck. Have a cigar and a nice drink 😀